How’s this for showing off in front of your political pals?
Fine Gael is all of a dither this week as fellow members of the European People's Party arrive in Dublin for a major conference. It's the biggest political grouping in the European Parliament and FG likes to brag about its membership.
(Far better connected in Europe than Fianna Fáil, they like to say.)
They will be bonding with 2,000 of their brother and sister EPPers in Dublin’s Convention Centre, looking after some heavy-duty presidents and prime ministers along with a pomposity of ministers and parliamentarians.
Enda, of course, will want to put on a good show.
There’s bound to be a lot of shop talk over the next two days. The visiting politicians will probably be curious as to how their hosts are faring on the home front.
“So, Mr Edna, what did you do in your parliament this week? Was it difficult?”
And the Taoiseach will tell them about the orgy he organised in the chamber for the past three days when they should have been doing proper business – initiating and discussing Bills and the like.
His guests will be most impressed.
"Oh, yes" Enda will tell them. "The only Bill I passed this week was Bill Clinton! "
Of course, lest some of the continentals are shocked by this, the Fine Gael leader will be quick to explain it was merely an orgy of backslapping, as opposed to anything to do with sex.
That’ll go down well with his fellow politicians, who love nothing more than to get down and dirty with a few invigorating sessions of self-praise.
Self-congratulation
Enda will then further amaze his centre-right colleagues with the news the Labour Party, his socialist partners in Coalition, threw themselves heart and soul into this orgy of self-congratulation.
There won't be any mention of Siptu or whistleblowers or the possible bugging of Frank Flannery by people from the Pac.
No. Instead, the Taoiseach will go on to say that he and his second in command (who is a socialist, but a tame one) began the week nicely with a carefully staged PR stunt for the benefit of the media.
“And did the media not object, Mr Edna?”
And he will explain that they didn’t object, omitting to mention the journalists had little interest in his trumpet-blowing duet with Eamon Gilmore and the event fizzled out after a few questions.
After which everyone hightailed it next door to Leinster House to commence the orgy in the chamber.
The Opposition was livid, but there was nothing they could do about it.
Fine Gael’s distinguished visitors, on a break from their own onerous duties in parliament for a few days, will be green with envy.
And then Enda will slap the icing on the EPP cake. Next week, the members of his Government are flying off to nice places around the world to celebrate the feast day of St Patrick.
“I’m off to Americay myself.”
By the time this EPP conference is over, those politicians from Europe will be trying to negotiate transfers to Dáil Éireann.
It’s a pity they weren’t over here last week, when Enda and his troops were far from relaxed.
Restoring confidence
Although, as the Taoiseach and Tánaiste were at pains to point out during their state of the nation PR report on Tuesday, there is still much work to do to restore confidence in the country and hasten our recovery.
Such is the urgency to press ahead they have had to suspend normal Dáil business for an emergency three-day debate on how wonderfully they are managing the turnaround.
“We are here today as part of the three-day orgy organised by the Government to congratulate itself,” huffed Fianna Fáil’s Seán Fleming yesterday morning.
Stand-in chairman Jerry Buttimer prissily intervened: "I remind the deputy about unparliamentary language and ask him to use language with decorum."
So Seán called the orgy a “festival” instead.
The EPP politicians from 40 different countries will be wildly jealous. When their Irish counterparts aren’t enjoying backslapping orgies in their Dáil, they’re having festivals.
In fairness to the exasperated Fleming, he was merely expressing the view widely held outside of the Government parties (and by some, privately, within) that Enda and Eamon were having a laugh by arranging pointless hours of Dáil tributes to their management of the country.
Yesterday afternoon, with another day of self-satisfied introspection to go, Independent Socialist Joe Higgins reminded them of Narcissus – "a vain young man in Greek mythology who fell in love with his own reflected image in a pool of water".
Joe noted: “Our very own political Narcissus, the Fine Gael-Labour Party Government, has set aside no fewer than three days in parliament to gaze upon, and marvel at, its own image.”
According to Dr Higgins, the Coalition is suffering from a condition known as political narcissism. This is a psychological condition “and it involves an excessive self-focus, lack of empathy for others, haughty body language and a tendency to exaggerate achievements.”
Could his diagnosis be right? Maybe. But once the photographs turn out nice, Fine Gael won’t mind.
