The Last StrawA survey of British scientists this week highlighted the importance of role models in sparking the curiosity of the young. Developing the theme, the Daily Telegraph interviewed famous boffins, including Sir David Attenborough, about the people who first inspired them.
The great naturalist credited a "beautiful" archaeologist, recalling fondly: "I showed her my little treasures of ammonites and melonites, and she sent me a great parcel of wonderful stuff, corals and sea horses, and sowed in me an affection for wildlife . . . I've never forgotten."
Sir David is now himself a role model. Which is why I've been worried about his apparent involvement in a recent Playstation commercial, the one where golfers are attacked by nymphomaniacs. Lest you haven't seen this ad, I should explain that it's a spoof on wildlife documentaries. But don't worry if you've missed it - it's been going out on television, well before the watershed, for months. Your kids can probably tell you all about it.
In case you don't have kids, it's set in the Serengeti, or somewhere such, where a mass migration of golfers is underway. Being golfers, they're wearing colours that real wildlife wouldn't be seen dead in; otherwise they resemble a herd of wildebeests. And as they cross a river, a hushed Attenborough-style voice-over explains that they are now vulnerable to attack from a lurking pride of female "porn stars".
In real wildlife documentaries, the attackers would target an animal that looked sick or lame. Unfortunately these are golfers, and they all look equally lame, so the porn stars isolate one at random, and drag him into the river. The camera cuts away. But we know that the hapless victim (weighed down by his water-absorbent Pringle sweater) is doomed. The porn stars have had him for lunch. Or whatever.
Being the wrong side of 40, I still don't know what Playstation is exactly. And it seems to be the policy of the advertisers never to let me in on the secret. But my concern about this ad is that it might introduce children to concepts that we as parents would prefer to protect them from until they're adults, or even later.
Golf, for one thing. This column's antipathy to golf and everything it represents is a matter of record. We wouldn't go so far as to suggest the Playstation ad would be funnier if the golfers had been attacked by actual wild animals. But that's only because we think that people who play golf a lot need to be helped, and that with proper support, they can again become fully contributing members of society.
Okay, I'm only half-serious about the golf. My real problem with the ad is that it could introduce young viewers to a premature interest in biology. Children are naturally curious, we know. Many of us had early anatomy classes behind the bicycle shed ("you show me your ammonites, I'll show you my sea horse"). But kids grow up fast enough these days, and we shouldn't accelerate the process unnecessarily.
Realising my own children may have seen the Playstation ad, I've been bracing myself for the question: "Daddy, what's a porn star?" It hasn't happened yet, but in case it does I've prepared a response, which I hope strikes the right balance between encouraging curiosity and protecting innocence. I'm going to sit my kids down and say to them, very gently: "Ask your mother - I'm busy." That these ads have been going out mid-evening is another small triumph for the adult movie industry's campaign to become respectable. There seem to be more documentaries now about porn than there are about wildlife. We got digital television at home recently, and I see that one of the outlying channels even has a nightly programme featuring interviews with porn stars.
The stars sit there, fully clothed, talking about their careers, their hopes and dreams. It's almost academic, although, in case viewers are not sufficiently gripped by the porn stars' philosophical reflections, the producers have taken the precaution of illustrating the interviews with generous examples of their work. Soft-focus stuff - lots of bouncing melonites - but even so. Apparently you can "lock" these channels, and when I get the hang of the black box the cable company left (could this be a Playstation?), I will.
Anyway, back to David Attenborough. In a way, it wouldn't be a big departure for him to have done the voice-over. Some of his wildlife documentaries are pretty raunchy. But when I tracked down the advertisers and they admitted it was an actor doing his voice, I was relieved. I was also relieved when RTÉ told me the ad - which was deemed suitable for showing after 6 p.m. - had completed its run. The Advertising Standards Authority will probably ban it soon.
