The new driving-theory test is all right for beginners, I suppose. But the reality of pressurised modern driving conditions demands something more advanced. Here are a few suggested questions.
1. At which of these times are you completely within your rights to drive in a bus lane?
a) The Irish Times
b) Times of stress
c) 4.30 a.m.
2. You find an on-street parking space in central Dublin on Saturday afternoon, where the rate is £1.50 an hour. Which "zone" are you in?
a)The red zone
b)The yellow zone
c)The Twilight Zone! You found a space in Dublin on Saturday afternoon? What are you on?
3. Shaving yourself while driving to work is dangerous because:
a) You can miss bits under your chin
b) The shaving foam gets everywhere
c) You should always keep one hand free for emergencies, such as when you need to send a text message on your mobile
4. You are leaving a side-street, attempting to merge with heavy traffic, when a BMW driver gestures that he's letting you in. Do you:
a) Think again before making unfair generalisations about BMW drivers?
b) Assume it's some kind of trick, and stay where you are?
c) Enter the space nervously, constantly checking his movements in your rear-view mirror?
5. What should you not "feed", even though everybody does?
a) The ducks
b) The Central Exchequer
c) The parking meter
6. You are writing a note to the traffic warden to explain that you've put money in the meter and it's not giving out tickets. What is an acceptable level of exaggeration about your loss?
a) £1.50
b) £3
c) £1,000, including compensation for the distress suffered
7. When making a turn or changing lanes, you are not legally required to use your indicator if:
a) You are strongly religious
b) The element of surprise is vital to your plans
c) You're trying to shave at the time
8. "I've been driving all night, my hands wet on the wheel" is the opening line of Radar Love, the classic 1970s car song by Dutch rockers Golden Earring. The song illustrates one of the hazards of long-distance driving. But it also illustrates the problem with classic car songs of finding a plausible second line that rhymes with the first. What was Golden Earring's cringe-making attempt?
(a) "There's a voice in my head that drives my heel"
(b) "These skintight leather trousers got a clammy feel"
(c) "With lyrics like these, how did we ever get a record deal?"
9. Identify the correct punchline for this popular joke. A man walks into a car-parts shop and asks the assistant: "Can you give me a new hubcap for my Lada?" The assistant replies:
(a) "Two pages of instructions, and 498 pages of bus and rail timetables"
(b) "You can close the door on a Jehovah's Witness"
(c) "OK, that seems like a fair swop"
10. In Dublin, a broken white line in the middle of the road indicates:
(a) It used to be an unbroken line, but that was before the road was dug up by 27 different telecommunications companies
(b) The shortest route in the women's mini-marathon
(c) This is where the LUAS will run, eventually
11. You are an irresponsible driver, given to exceeding the speed limit, leaving yourself insufficient braking distance, and generally behaving with reckless disregard for other road users. Suddenly, one day, you notice the car in front of you has a sign saying: "Baby on board." Do you:
(a) Send the occupants a card
(b) Make a mental note to collide with vehicles containing adults only from now on
(c) Instantly become a better person
12. You're taking the children to the supermarket on Saturday, when you remember that your car badly needs a wash. In your ceaseless efforts to keep the little things entertained, you drive into one of the automated car-washes rather than the manual one you normally use. The giant roller-brush is climbing up the front windscreen, and you're making funny noises to amuse the kids, when you remember too late that your car doesn't have a retractable aerial. The children are hugely entertained, but when the machine stops, your aerial is hanging pathetically down the windscreen. Your only consolation is:
a) That everybody makes mistakes like this
b) Don't they?
c) Seriously. It's not just me, is it?
fmcnally@irish-times.ie