`APART from bad language, is it?" was the response of one press officer when Quidnunc asked what languages his minister spoke. Another said his man had a cupla focal. This in the week the Minister for Education, Michael Woods, launched a campaign aimed at increasing knowledge of foreign languages. Last month, the Economist compared the skills of British and German ministers and was most disappointed with the results. The Germans all spoke English and most spoke French. Latin, Greek, Hebrew, Spanish and Italian were also spoken. It blamed British inadequacy in this department on "bad schooling and stubborn insularity". Under the heading British dunces, all it could find was French (Tony Blair, Mo Mowlam and Chris Smith) "some French" (Geoff Hoon, Clare Short andAlistair Darling), some Italian (Blair) and Gaelic (Short).
Deputy PM John Prescott and Ag minister Nick Brown had no languages. But at least they owned up. Several, including Peter Mandelson, Gordon Brown, and even Foreign Secretary Robin Cook, didn't answer. "Why this shyness?" the Economist asked. "Perhaps British politicians are reluctant to advertise their linguistic dexterity, as it might make them vulnerable to attacks from the Europhobic press: first the language, then the superstate . . . Probably though, British ministers, like the people they represent, reckon that if they talk loudly enough abroad, they'll get by in English."
If Britain is bad, we are worse. Bertie Ahern, Mary Harney, Charlie McCreevy, John O'Donoghue, Noel Dempsey and James McDaid had only English and Irish. Mary O'Rourke speaks French and once taught Latin; Frank Fahey has some French and German. The rest of the Cabinet didn't respond, but as Woods himself is in China this week, he will probably return with the equivalent of a cupla focal.
The Opposition is more sophisticated. While Michael Noonan has some French, both John Bruton and Alan Dukes are fluent French speakers, as is Ruairi Quinn, who also has some Greek (modern) and Spanish; Derek McDowell speaks German and French.
The President, Mrs McAleese, has fluent Spanish and good French. Of course, we beat them all on the Irish; many claim an eloquent fluency, others an understanding. A spokesman for one minister, when asked what languages his boss spoke, said he was an expert in "civil service gobbledegook"; another said his man was fluent in double dutch and yet another said it was best his man only spoke English, of a sort anyway, because otherwise they might take him up wrong in Brussels.