If TDs behave like children, the Ceann Comhairle should start using teachers' clever tactics to keep them in line, argues Kate Holmquist.
Frustrated by rambunctious Opposition deputies this week the Ceann Comhairle, John O'Donoghue was reduced to monosyllabic apoplexy, shouting like an ineffective school teacher on the verge. When he failed to shout down Fine Gael's naughty Michael Ring he was reduced to attempting to expel him from the chamber and when this failed, twice had to call for a general "time out" as one might with overtired junior infants.
It was painful. But O'Donoghue may be heartened to learn that help is at hand - primary school teachers are willing to pass on a few tips, and an expert in corporate team-building says that his programme can re-educate everyone involved.
No one felt more empathy with O'Donoghue than primary school teachers, who must face down backbench bullies and precocious upstarts every day of the week.
"He was the picture of someone who has lost control of the situation," says Joe McKeown, a primary school teacher, with 25 years' experience, at St Patrick's Boys School in Kilkenny.
"We all end up losing our cool sometimes because no matter how good you are, people can still get under your skin. He got it wrong, and he can't undo that, so he has to move on and be smarter."
In O'Donoghue's schooldays, shouting and the threat of the "leather" held sway. Today's teachers can't even throw unruly pupils out of the classroom and "time out" is now seen as counterproductive.
McKeown advises:
•Practise positive reinforcement: praise the TDs who are brief, polite and to the point and reward them with good eye contact and your full attention.
•Respond to impudence and name-calling by removing eye contact. Try gazing vacantly at the many empty seats in the chamber. Or, you may use this as an opportunity to look at the rule book and refresh yourself on procedure, rather than becoming frustrated and angry.
•Introduce circle time. While getting the TDs to sit in a circle would be difficult, since they are acutely sensitive to their seating hierarchy, you can still use the tried and trusted circle time method of the "talking stick". Only the person holding the "stick" can talk. For safety, the stick could be replaced with a cuddly toy, perhaps one in the form of a bull.
•Display fairness. Rather than routinely slapping down the opposition, look for opportunities to slap down the Government, occasionally telling the Taoiseach to shop showing off.
•Reward good behaviour. Opposition TDs are a bit old for gold stars and lollipops on Fridays, so offer a free trip in a State car with full motorcycle escort (but within the speed limit). This will remind Opposition deputies that it will be another five years before they too have a State car.
•If a deputy complains that they didn't get enough time, advise them that they are welcome to come back and take all the time they need at 6pm on a Friday or 9am on a Saturday.
•Putting deputies outside the chamber is ineffective, since the deputy will inevitably respond, "I don't care" or take his own sweet time leaving (as Sinn Féin's Arthur Morgan demonstrated on Tuesday). Refusing privileges, such as access to the Dáil bar, is also useless since many TDs are either teetotallers or own pubs.
•Do what all young teachers are advised: look in the mirror every morning and have a good laugh. A sense of humour helps maintain sanity. When all else fails, have a daily meditation routine. In moments of stress, recite your mantra: " I'm earning €210,000 a year, I have a State car and I'm guaranteed re-election."
McKeown has invited the Ceann Comhairle to work on his crowd control skills by trying some teaching practice at St Patrick's School for Boys in September, since the Dáil doesn't resume until October.
Experiential team bonding is also worth a shot, says Mark Shaughnessy, managing director of RedZebra, which has worked with Olympic and rugby teams. Shaughnessy is willing to take on the Ceann Comhairle and a cross-party selection of deputies, for various team-games and challenges that would give them insight into how to communicate and manage more effectively without bullying.
He adds though, that the point of politics is one-upmanship, awkward questioning and withholding information - ploys that make a sports team or company inefficient. Then again, while we taxpayers are paying for the insult-matches, how much entertainment value would there be in a well-behaved and efficient Dáil?