The Last Straw/Frank McNally: We hear a lot about Ireland's dependence on US investment. But it's not all one-way. I see in the International Herald Tribune that the US film industry is experiencing a chronic shortage of home-produced, rugged-male actors, and is now almost completely reliant on imports to fill the void.
Now Ireland has grabbed a piece of the lucrative trade, thanks to Colin Farrell. "Not since the ascendancy of Tyrone Power and Gregory Peck has Hollywood been as mesmerised by a pair of bushy male eyebrows," says the IHT.
The paper laments the unfulfilled promise of a whole generation of American male actors, especially Brad Pitt and Leonardo di Caprio, whose careers have been tragically blighted by an inability to produce credible eyebrows. Boyish thirtysomethings Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are also stuck in a Peter Pan world, as is Will Smith, who came nowhere near to filling Muhammad Ali's shorts in his manliest role to date. But the most pathetic example of failure to achieve even moderate levels of ruggedness is Tom Cruise, now 40 and still requiring proof of his age in bars. Hollywood has invested enormous amounts to turn Cruise into a leading man. Unfortunately, it's as if Arthur Andersen has been in charge of the accounting, and Cruise's facial expression retains all the depth of an Enron product catalogue.
A startling contrast is craggy 62-year-old Al Pacino, with whom Farrell co-stars in a new thriller. Pacino looks like a guy who hasn't experienced a full night's sleep since the closing scene of The Godfather Part II, after he had Fredo bumped off. He's so craggy these days that some of his crags may soon have to be closed off to the public, for safety reasons.
But the veteran star only highlights the failure of his successors to develop character, and the Tribune senses a more general crisis. "Has half a century of institutionalised teenage rebellion and the coddling of youth softened and infantilised the American man?" it asks.
This gives rise to other questions (including the one about whether "infantilised" is a real word, or something the IHT made up). If the US is soul-searching, shouldn't the same apply to Britain? After all, the current James Bond - that personification of the ultra-sophisticated Englishman - is Irish. And not just any Irishman, but one born - God help us - in Meath. Could it be Anglo-American over-compensation for a perceived loss of maleness that is pushing this whole macho Iraqi war thing? No, I didn't really think so either. But a better question is whether Colin Farrell can exploit his apparent potential in the coming years, and avoid the fate of a former next-big-thing, Matthew McConaghy - now better known as Matthew Who? Or will his eyebrows be thinned gradually by his bad-boy lifestyle: the smoking, the hanging out in bars, the short, meaningless relationships with the likes of Britney Spears? (Incidentally, it can surely only add to his notoriety that Britney Spears is an anagram for "presbyterians"). It's probably too early to judge. But all I can say is this: if his career survives the reported plan to play Alexander the Great in an Oliver Stone-directed biopic next year, it'll survive anything.
With St Patrick's Day coming up, it's great to know there are so many Irish language enthusiasts in the world. I know how many there are, because most of them have been in touch this week to clarify the Frenchman/rat issue which, as recently as last week's column, was threatening a crisis in relations between Ireland and France.
I thank you all for your explanations, a summary of which follows: (1) the rat is a relatively recent arrival in Ireland, too recent for St Patrick to have done anything about it; (2) it arrived on Viking and Norman ships and was mistaken for an overgrown mouse; (3) thereby attracting the adjective "francach," in the sense of "large, foreign, exotic"; (4) perhaps due to inbreeding between adjectives, francach mutated into a noun meaning rat; (5) only later came the invention of France (An Fhrainc) and the Frenchman (Francach), and suddenly we had an awkward situation.
The main point is, no insult was intended. On a day when France's rugby team visits Dublin, I'm happy to clarify this. French rugby players are foreign, exotic, and above all large, and we wouldn't want to annoy them unnecessarily.