LETTER FROM ROME:FANCY VOTING for the "Existential Impotents Party"? Whether the "impotence" in question is sexual or political remains to be seen. On the other hand, perhaps you would prefer the "Catholic And Liberal Holy Roman Empire" party, or maybe the "Movement of Young Poets of Action", or then again the "No Rubbish List", one that is sure to go down well in Naples.
Pity the poor voter. When Italians go to the polls for next month's general election, they will find themselves faced with a bewildering selection of electoral symbols.
Complicated by the fact that the general election has been twinned with a series of local elections up and down the peninsula, the April 13th-14th elections will see the Italian electorate confronted with more than 150 "electoral options".
In truth, there seems to be something for everyone - 53 "parties", 14 "movements", nine "unions", five "leagues", five "alliances", three "fronts" and one "Italian dream". The discerning voter needs to go to the polls with the candidate's name well in mind because if he/she has to rely on the electoral symbols alone, we could be in for some confusion - there are four versions of the old Christian Democrat cross and shield motif, eight hammers-and-sickles à la old PCI (Italian Communist Party), five burning flames, five roses, three carnations, two ivys, as well as four lists that "use" the name of Beppe Grillo, the comedian-cum-political activist famous for having organised "F**k Off" days in protest against mainstream politics and political parties.
A colleague of mine many years ago came up with the slogan, "Don't Vote, It Only Encourages Them". Looking through the runners and riders for the forthcoming elections, he might have a point.
For example, what are we to make of the "100%" party? What does the party programme say? "We want to make it possible for every ecological system and other interactive agency, in a co-ordinated and synergic link with the present and future community and with every other existential reality in the range of human action, to be able to develop the respective and unique combination of their own real physical-chemical-biological capacity and potential. . . ." Crystal clear, no? Gets my vote every time.
Then what do you make of theologian "Princess" Mirella Cece, the proud custodian of the "Holy Roman Empire" symbol? In order to be sure she got her symbol accepted, she booked first place in the queue outside the interior ministry by taking up her position one week before the office designated to deal with electoral symbols opened.
Having slept out on the pavement in front of the ministry for a week, she is obviously very keen to get elected, isn't she? Well, not really. It turns out the Holy Roman Empire will not actually be on the electoral list after all. Ms Cece's prime concern is merely to register her symbol.
As for elections, she will give them a miss: "Look, my movement is a spiritual one. I want to be elected by acclamation, by popular acclaim."
Indeed, sure we all do.
But seriously, folks, allowing for the inevitable wit, eccentricity and topical inspiration that mark out many of the above "candidates", there is a serious observation to be made. Namely that, yet again, the Italian electorate will be faced with a whole new range of party names, if not political choices. It is not only the one-man "Joe Bloggs" parties that have come up with new names this time.
Take the two major contestants in this election, the centre-right Party of the People of Freedom led by media tycoon Silvio Berlusconi, and the centre-left Democratic Party led by former Rome mayor Walter Veltroni. What happened to Mr Berlusconi's own party, Forza Italia, the party with which he pulled off his now celebrated overnight sensation, election triumph in 1994? Gone.
What about the centre-left? Once upon a time they were the PCI, of course. Then they became the Party of the Democratic Left. At the next election, they were simply called Democratic Left. Now they are the Democratic Party. Four names in 16 years. Even the radical left has opted for a new name this time around, with the Greens, Rifondazione Comunista, Italian Communists and others running under the blanket of "Rainbow Left", minus the dearly beloved hammer-and-sickle symbol that reflects their "communist" origins. Not, mind you, that the hammer and sickle will be missing, because that discarded symbol was eagerly jumped on by a number of other contenders, of an even more radical left bent.
So then, who to vote for? One party certainly draws the eye - the "I Don't Vote" party.
This does, however, raise a major existential problem. In order to support the "I Don't Vote" party, you have to vote. Confused? Pity the poor Italian voter.