NEWTON'S OPTIC:The media are sneering at me for being Irish-American
Day 1
NO SOONER had I announced my interest in the presidency than I was of course attacked by the neo-unionist Dublin press.
These are the same partitionists who sneered at Mary McAleese for being northern and now they are sneering at me for being Irish-American, which I reckon makes them oceanists. Clever, huh? That’s the sort of wit that helps me write about Ireland every day.
Day 2
When you write about Ireland every day it’s as if you are actually in Ireland every day. More so, in fact, because you have to concentrate on Ireland in a way people in Ireland rarely do. That’s why I started the peace process years ahead of everyone in Ireland, where they just weren’t concentrating at all. Also, if you left Ireland like all those who have left since the Famine it’s as if you were actually fleeing the Famine. Any snide remarks on my departure would therefore be pro-genocidal.
Day 3
Once again I am under attack from the quisling Dublin media. What is the point of an Irish-American president, they ask, no doubt under direct instruction from the British cabinet. Well let me tell you, buddy. Only an Irish-American president can open doors at major US corporations, unlike Pat Cox who is merely on the boards of most of them. Only an Irish-American president can bring in millions of tourists, just like President Obama has done for Kenya. And only an Irish-American president can help the undocumented. We are far too white to be illegal immigrants, as I have explained to Obama in person. From the look on his face I think he found this argument striking.
Day 4
Did I mention I’m Bill Clinton’s oldest friend? That’s gotta count for something, right? We go way back, Bill and me, to when I started the peace process. He might not be in the White House any more but Hillary’s the secretary of state. He might not be speaking to Hillary any more but still that’s gotta count for something, right?
Day 5
Met Sinn Féin and Fianna Fáil to talk endorsements. To be honest, things are a bit tense with Sinn Féin since they set up an Irish- American newspaper in New York two doors down from my own Irish-American newspaper in New York. I couldn’t help taking that personally. After all, I did start the peace process. But we’ve agreed it’s all in the spirit of free-market competition, which I know is our shared vision for Ireland. Fianna Fáil was easier to deal with as there’s a clear diaspora gap in its campaign. I distinctly heard someone mention the “Irish-American Áras-hole”.
Day 6
More outrageous attacks in the anti-national Dublin press, which claims I called Prince William “a member of the lucky sperm club”. There is no way I would use such an expression. I am Bill Clinton’s oldest friend.
Day 7
Held a press conference to set these sneaky west Brit scribblers straight. First question: “As a journalist, publisher and aspiring national leader, who claims experience of politics and peacemaking and who incidentally has sworn to uphold a free-speech constitution, shouldn’t you be a little less . . . touchy?”
Oh yeah, pal? Wanna take it outside?