So how did you get over Christmas? Too soon to ask? But in fact it’s a minor miracle that most of us make it through the festive season unscathed. Accident statistics paint a damning picture of Christmas. Our nearest neighbours appear to be particularly injury-prone, because, instead of rocking around the Christmas tree, they are more likely to be lying face down underneath it. The UK’s National Accident Helpline reports that about 1,000 people are injured by their Christmas tree every year, usually while attaching decorations to the higher branches.
It also claims that 2.6 million people have fallen off a stool or ladder while hanging up decorations – that’s almost the population of the whole of Leinster. All on stools hanging up decorations. What do they expect?
And most curiously, it says 600,000 people have burned themselves roasting chestnuts over an open fire – an activity I presumed was strictly confined to fictional characters in songs and Christmas movies.
But perhaps this Yuletide clumsiness is universal? A US study of Christmas-related injuries requiring hospital treatment found that 277 children were hurt during interactions with a Santa impersonator between 2007 and 2016. Perhaps these shopping malls need to rethink their strategies for hiring Santa impersonators? The most common injuries involved falling off Santa’s lap, or tripping when running away in fear. Less “ho ho ho” and more “ouch, broken toe”, methinks.
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Another US study of Christmas mishaps, or “Chrishaps”, found one case of a woman losing a finger tip in a post box when she was posting her Christmas cards. And there were several cases of allergic reactions to Poinsettia plants and Christmas trees.
A few years ago, the digital media company BuzzFeed asked people to submit their most bizarre festive injuries, and they didn’t disappoint. I was particularly charmed by the woman who was icing Christmas treats with her friend when the carol Feliz Navidad came on. They were “jamming out”, as you do, when her friend got carried away with the emotion of the occasion and started to dance around while holding a palette knife. She lost her grip on the utensil and it flew straight into the face of her companion, leaving a two-inch scar on the side of her face.
We always knew the dangers of running with scissors, but dancing with a cake icing spatula? Now that’s another activity to warn kids about.
But the good news is that we have now entered that golden time between Christmas and New Year when we don’t have to do anything that might pose a risk. We can – nay we must – avoid any activity that involves leaving the sofa. Flann O’Brien’s theory that a man and his bicycle exchange atoms and personalities if they spend enough time together equally applies to people and sofas. If we dedicate some serious time and effort to it this week, we too can become half human-half sofa.
These are the days when it’s acceptable to have a turkey sandwich for breakfast followed by a wedge of Christmas cake. And don’t forget the Irish coffee at noon if there is any cream left.
This is the time to feel utterly discombobulated and it is mandatory to ask what day of the week it is at least once every eight hours. It’s also a good healthy living approach to assume that Christmas pudding contributes generously to your five-a-day fruit intake.
Yes, there may be a slight hint of impending doom if you inadvertently catch a glimpse of a work email on your phone, but nothing that a rewatch of the Father Ted Christmas special won’t dissipate.
But of course, some killjoys can’t let us enjoy this festive stupor. They insist on writing articles telling us how to make the most of what they call Twixmas, or Chrimbo Limbo. Feel free to ignore them. What sort of maniac uses this time to deep clean the house and embark on a major clear-out of toys and clothes?
Who takes the opportunity to head into the sales to buy next year’s Christmas declarations when we are already dreading trying to shove this year’s decorations back into the attic?
And what sort of tortured sicko uses these gloriously lazy days to plan budgets and document their incomings and outgoings?
Given the risks that surround this festive season, you are doing yourself a favour by staying on the sofa. You’ve survived this far without piercing an eyeball on a pine needle or setting your eyebrows on fire while lighting the Christmas pudding.
All that remains is surviving New Year’s Eve. It’s a piece of cake – Christmas cake, with a generous double layer of icing.