Some time ago I watched a very serious television programme about pigs. It was extremely educational. It set out to inform us how intelligent the little porker actually is. Most of us look on the pig as something that rolls around in muck and has a very unmusical, grunting voice. He usually comes into his own at breakfast, when he arrives at the table accompanied by an egg. But this in-depth investigation made it quite clear that we don't know the half of it. We philistines have been underestimating the common pig for years.
The programme stressed that the pig was one of the most intelligent animals on the planet. This was backed up with all sorts data from experts - scientists, professors, farmers. There was one professor who had spent 20 years of his life researching pigs' habits and was absolutely convinced the day would come when a pig would talk. He was serious. This guy was a sensible, highly-paid professional indulging in his chosen scientific research project on a serious BBC television programme. He is a dedicated man pursuing a mission and doesn't see anything strange about what he is doing. Apparently, once you are a scientist you have carte blanche to research anything, provided someone comes up with the money to pay for it.
Think scientific
What's more, he has professional colleagues in America and Australia who are labouring diligently along the same track, psychoanalysing the pig. They compare notes and they have wonderful conversations when they meet. The rest of us mortals can only talk about what won the 3.30 at Leopardstown or whether or not income tax will be reduced in the next Budget. We shrink in importance when compared with such people. We are boredom personified.
It makes you think: where is all this leading to? The next time you look at a pig, think beyond what is standing before you. Think big, think scientific. That which is grovelling before you is more intelligent than a simple, rotund, pink thing with a short, curly tail sloshing around in his own excrement. The beast is probably sizing you up and, while he cannot talk, just yet, he probably knows every word you are speaking. He has a far greater potential than providing us with a bit of bacon and sausage. And if ever you hear a pig talk, remember the BBC tipped you off about it, or you read it first in The Irish Times. Nevertheless, even after seeing the programme and digesting all the impressive facts, I'm still doubtful.
Man's best friend
I admire the professor's dedication and he is obviously happy at his work, looking at his pigs with great expectation every day, but I prefer to go with the maxim that dog is man's best friend. I'd look damn stupid bringing a porker for a walk every day, wouldn't I?
Believe it or not, the professor claimed the pig was as clever, if not more so, than a dog and therefore it should be possible to train it to carry out chores. Enthusiastically pursuing this line, he brought out a tiny piglet to get it to act as a dog - a sheepdog - and set it off to round up a herd of sheep, just like the porcine hero of the film Babe. It ran like the clappers for about 40 yards and then fell flat on its fat face. The professor expressed disappointment that the unfortunate little creature hadn't performed better in front of the camera.
Trained pets
I recently read an article in which Dr Anne Marie-Farmer, deputy chief executive of the British Pig Association, put a great case for the animal. She said pigs could be kept as trained pets and that they would show affection. "I'm dotty about pigs. They are naturally inquisitive and not vicious unless they are frightened or protecting their piglets. They are interested in what's going on and will come flying across a field to come and interact with you."
But is it a good idea to keep one as a pet?
"If you want a very large animal and a commitment to 15 or 20 years with a very big pet, they are nice animals," said Dr Farmer.
But if you wanted to take your pet pig for a walk, she admitted, you would have to obtain a special pig movement licence from the Ministry of Agriculture - and you'd need a large poop-scoop as well.