Dear Mother Imprimata, - Greetings from the Holy Land, and apologies for not contacting you earlier. We have had an eventful few weeks. Our party of 10 adult carers, 20 children in wheelchairs, 15 pensioners, seven children with learning difficulties, 15 members of religious orders and a dozen patients from St Ite's set out on our pilgrimage in great high spirits from home.
In hindsight, I realise that we should have gone directly to France, but Sister Fricata Orificia has a special reverence for Our Lady of Walsinghame, so we went to Britain first. We were stopped at Fishguard on suspicion of being an active service unit of the New Real Continuity IRA. I think that with patience we might have sorted that little misunderstanding out, except that poor Mickie O'Sullivan - the one who usually insists either that he is Pontius Pilate or Charlemagne - not merely admitted that he was quartermaster of the NRCIRA, but that he was on his way to assassinate that schismatic heretic, the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Assassinations
We then all spent a week being interrogated, during which Mickie also confessed to several assassinations, including those of both Abraham Lincoln and the Archduke, and apparently a Mr Scuse was able to provide forensic evidence that this was the case. Most surprising - and Mickie has always seemed such a quiet lad too. So we had to leave him behind in the care of the Special Branch.
You probably saw the story in the British newspapers: "Ace terrorist chief nabbed" We thought further delay in England would be unwise, and so headed directly to France, en route for Lourdes.
Alas, when we reached Calais, we were stopped again on suspicion of being part of Erin go Bragh Islamic Jihad, Black Friday, February 30th.
Myself, I think we could have got away without much delay, except that Immaculata Singh's dark complexion strengthened their suspicions, and so we were all interrogated again. Not all of us were as strong as we had been when being questioned in England. Mary Murphy admitted to leading the mutinies in the French army in 1917, and was instantly sentenced to death, execution taking place without appeal. Brave girl. She insisted she went before the firing squad with her wheelchair facing forward - but being blind from birth it probably made little difference to her. Still, you have to admire her style. Intacta Sheehan was just as plucky. It would have made your heart proud to see the way she manoeuvred her iron lung up the steps to the guillotine, having (I think foolishly) admitted to selling French naval secrets to the Prussians. And her from Offaly.
Our party was further reduced by transportations to Devil's Island on numerous charges, including collaboration with the Vichy regime, membership of the OAS, and poor Bernadette Goretti Fatima Immaculata O'Malley admitted having sexual relations with the entire membership of SS Liebstandarde Adolf Hitler. She has been sentenced to join the French Foreign Legion.
Pretenders
Undaunted, but now somewhat disinclined to stay in France, we headed directly for Fatima, where we were soon rounded up on suspicion of conspiring to launch a coup to instal a neo-Salazar regime in Portugal as a prelude to the military re-conquest of Mozambique, Angola and East Timor. Nobody actually confessed to that, but several of the children admitted to being Bourbon Pretenders to the throne of Portugal, and their little heads may now be seen on spikes on Lisbon's city walls.
Dear me, I thought, as we set out again: this little pilgrimage of our isn't turning out quite as we expected! We had been planning to visit a Marian shrine in Algeria, but our various incarcerations had eaten quite seriously into our schedule, so unfortunately we had to skip that. Such a shame - I'm sure it could have been the high point of our pilgrimage.
And so finally our boat approached Israel, the Holy Land. Such joy! And such a reception! Through some sort of misunderstanding, our vessel was bombed and napalmed by Israeli aircraft as we drew into Haifa harbour, and we lost a few pilgrims that way. The rest of us were arrested as we swam ashore, four sturdy Poor Clares who had taken the precaution of having swimming lessons bearing with them the inert form of Sister Fallopia Inconceiva.
Suicide squad
They were all immediately charged with being members of a suicide squad, and were set to clearing minefields in Southern Lebanon. Father Pius Pacelli Patrick O'Sullivan insisted that he be allowed to telephone the Irish ambassador. A nice Israeli official gave him a mobile phone, but there must have been something wrong with it, because it blew his head off.
In no time at all, most of our dwindling band had confessed to membership of the PFLP, the PLPF, the FLP, the PPLP, and PPFLP. Mother Ignominia admitted being a member of Mauve February, and was never seen again. You remember nice Brother Benedictus? Hasn't said a word in 30 years, that one? Now he says he a founder member of the Brown Habits, who drove the Jews out of Belmullet. He's for the chop, I hear.
So out of our entire party, that just about leaves me. Still, mustn't be too downhearted. My next stop is the great Coptic Holy Places of Iraq. Looking forward to them immensely. Got my detailed maps and everything. Don't expect to hear from me in a while. - Yours in Perpetual Pilgrimage, Kevin Myers.