I wonder why the organisers of "The Colombia Three - Bring them home" concert on November 11th have not invited me to join Sharon Shannon, Frances Black, Donal Lunny, Liam O'Maonlai, Richie Buckley, Philip King, some of Kila, plus some "special guests" in the benefit concert for the three harmless ornithologists who were arrested in Colombia. I do hope it is not a reflection on my singing abilities. A chap could worry about a slight like that; hurtful, if you know what I mean.
For I am all in favour of having the three brought back without trial. After all, they were only travelling on false passports and under aliases, illegally entering a country, and making contact with terrorists there. Most importantly, these are Irish people, which means of course that they are victims, as all Irish people before foreign courts invariably are, and are therefore exempt from the rule of law in those jurisdictions.
Listen Pedro
What our ambassador should be doing is to walk up to the Colombian Minister for Foreign Affairs, tweak his nose, and say: "Listen Pedro, we in Ireland don't give a damn about the due process of law in other countries, especially South American ones, which we rather don't trust - unless of course it is Cuba. Rather chic, Cuba - beards, guns, that kind of thing.
"Anyway, Pedro, or whatever your name is, we want you to suspend due process of law in Colombia and extend special privileges to Irish people who have no right to be in your country, privileges which you don't extend to your natives, who of course have every right to be there.
"Comprende?"
Pedro at this point might wonder why it is that Cuba is so fashionable amongst the Irish bien pensant. If any US-backed government in South America had executed hundreds of officials of a previous administration, as happened in Chile, it would rightly be reviled. But after the two Castros, Fidel and his abominable brother Raul, came to power they promptly executed 521 former Batista personnel after swift show trials. When one of the Castros' revolutionary colleagues from the struggle in the Sierra Maestra, Huber Matos, resigned his commission in the new Cuban army in protest at their policies, he was given plenty of opportunity to reflect on the wisdom of his actions: a Castro court sentenced him to 20 years in prison . . .
Little wonder - the Colombian Minister for Foreign Affairs might reflect - that one of the first creatures in the Soviet Union to propose active support for the Castros was Anastas Mikoyan. Ah yes, this fine fellow had much in common with the Francos: for was his name not on the execution warrants for the 20,000 Polish officers murdered in the forest at Katyn in 1940? Yes, indeed, what a delightful regime the Cubans enjoy - no doubt the reason why virtually everyone wants to leave the country, and why Sinn FΘin has an ambassador there, the only one in South America.
Might that ambassador not make representations to the Colombian authorities through the Colombian embassy in Havana that Colombian law is good enough for Colombians, but it is certainly not good enough for the Irish? That, surely, is an admirably Irish solution to a Colombian problem.
Mobilise the fleet
What? The ambassador to Cuba is one of the three birdwatchers arrested in Colombia? This is an outrage! Mobilise the fleet! Call up reservists! Warn the Army for deployment! Warm up the engines of both Marchettis, and the old Vampire on bricks at the entrance to Casement! By God, we'll teach Colombia a lesson it won't forget for messing with an Irish birdwatching diplomat.
One who entered our country illegally, observes the Colombian Foreign Minister, who could be forgiven for wondering: Is this how Irish diplomats behave abroad? Is that nice Richard Ryan, poet, marksman and bon viveur chairing the UN Security Council in New York, actually there on a passport which says he is a plumber called Obadiah Haddock from east Belfast?
Is this how Irish diplomats function, arriving at their postings with forged documents or even ones belonging to people who have died? Perhaps not. But at least Sharon Shannon, Frances Black, Donal Lunny, Liam O'Maonlai, Richie Buckley, Philip King, members of Kila and others can agree, that our Irish birdwatchers should be above the law in a mere Third World country like Colombia.
It's one thing for natives to be answerable to their government; it's quite another for illegal Irish immigrants in what they no doubt consider a backward country to be held accountable to its backward local laws.
Concert organisers
But aside for a disdain for Colombian law - a common imperialist trait towards the lesser breeds - what else brings these songsters together? For I presume if los tres amigos were in Colombia to buy cocaine, we would not be having support concerts for them. So is there any other characteristic - aside from their love of birds - which makes these three prisoners of such concern to the people who are demanding their release? And since the organisers of this concert seem to be spending far more money advertising it than they could possibly make from it, who are their backers?
Where does their money come from? And just in case they are secretly hoping for me to turn up at the concert and render some little ditty like, "Barrack-busting Mortar Bombs in Bogota", let me break the news gently. November 11th is Remembrance Sunday and I have an engagement elsewhere.