Who am I, you ask? I am Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger. I regret, sir, the conclave has begun and the Sistine Chapel is temporarily closed to the public. I politely request that you take your foot from the door.
Pardon? A Government Minister? Which Government? Ah, Ireland. The Holy Father was much taken with Ireland and had many happy memories of his visit there. You are very welcome to the Vatican City, Minister Cullen. Nevertheless, I am afraid I cannot make an exception.
Pardon? Something to sell? I must remind you this is not a market. It is a chapel. A voting system? Are you serious? Surely you realise we have an age-old, very traditional system of electing a Pope. It has served us well over the centuries. We see no need to change it.
The system is electronic? Well, perhaps you may tell me a little about it. . .His late Holiness, when not busy with matters of state, was much taken with the wonders of the electronic age. Let you in to talk to "the lads" about it? Do you mean their great eminences, the cardinals? As I say, they are in conclave. I cannot allow it. However, I can give you a few minutes.
You say you are Minister. What is that Ministry? Ah, wonderful! Perhaps you can advise on sorting out our terrible Rome traffic problems? Rome is "a doddle" compared with Dublin? Oh dear. Sorry? Knock down the Coliseum and replace it with a roundabout? I am not so sure.
Now, Minister Cullen, tell me: what has an electronic voting system to do with transport? Ah. You inherited "the fekkin' thing" in a previous Ministry. I do not understand that phrase but will let it pass. So tell me how it works. . .
I see. One picks a name on screen. One presses a button. One has then voted. An electronic count is automatically made. The election result is instant. I agree, yes - nothing could be simpler. It is at this point we light the fire and release the white smoke, no?
No? No smoke? A giant electronic screen in St Peter's Square, flashing the result to the masses and around the world on television? Well, Minister, this is certainly very different! But we are great traditionalists here in Rome. It will be hard to lure us away from our old way of voting, our ballot papers and our smoke signals.
Pardon? Environmental hazard? A little white smoke in the Roman sky? Surely not. No - we do not have the equivalent in Rome of your Environmental Protection Agency, as you call it. Toxins? Public danger? Minister, I congratulate you on the Irish smoking ban but we are a little more tolerant here.
You were not to blame for that? I beg your pardon. Do I mind if you light up? What is this "fag"? Oh, I see. Of course you may smoke in the open. You have no time for Minister Martin? I am sorry. You care little for "certain little fekkers" in your own party, never mind the others? I see. Party politics are so convoluted. But so interesting, don't you think? Yes, of course - you would like to get back to business. But I am sorry Minister, I do not think we can do business.
You can "cut me a deal"? What is that, Minister? A "knockdown" price? All right. Perhaps you will tell me how much you will take for your electronic voting system. Pardon? Thirty million euro? It cost your taxpayers fifty? I know that technology can be expensive, but that seems a little "on the high side", as I think you say.
Yes. I appreciate that it is still "in the box" and has never been used. But Minister, if the system is so wonderful I must ask why the people of Ireland rejected it. . .A crowd of "backward, ignoramuses who make Luddites look like radicals"? Fed "a load of lies" by your enemies? I cannot comment on that, Minister. No doubt you know your own citizens best. And your enemies. I am familiar with enemies, Minister.
Perhaps you can tell me, Minister, how the system can be checked for accuracy. Pardon? No. I do not consider that to be "nit-picking". We have rather an important election decision to make, after all. You say your system will make clear "his or her voting intention"? But what is this "her"? Oh yes, I see. Women voters. There are not too many of those in the College of Cardinals, Minister.
Now Minister, between "tu et ego", as we say here,is there any way in which your system can be made to, ahem, you know, perhaps influence the outcome of a voting situation? To get the best possible result, you understand. To ensure the right man is elected.
You understand very well? That is good. And your system has a unique selling point? The value of which your enemies did not appreciate? Tell me about it. . . I see. Yes. Very good. There is no verifiable paper trail. Excellent! Not a question of hiding the evidence, but there being no evidence to hide. That I like. Minister Cullen, perhaps after all we speak the same language.
Let us shake hands, Minister A done deal, I think you say. . . No, perhaps you should bring it round the back, when the sun goes down.
I take it that cash is acceptable? Excellent. Goodbye Minister Cullen, enjoy your stay in Rome. Ciao for now!