The annual general meeting of the Confederation of Irish Security Industries took place over the weekend, and many of our leading exponents in the field were represented.
Its president, Rob D'Ghen, gave the keynote address. "Welcome to the security conference, and first a request: has anyone seen my wallet?
Had it on me a moment ago, but bless my soul, can't seem to find it now. Never mind. It'll probably turn up in a moment.
"First of all, I'd like to report on another highly successful year, with the aid of a presentation using computer images. I'll point out features of interest with the cursor. Now; where's the mouse? What? No mouse? Well it was here earlier on. All right, I'll proceed, using my finger. First image please. First image please. I SAID, FIRST IMAGE PLEASE.
" What? There's to be no presentation? I see. And why is this please? Ah. Because the laptop has gone missing. Strange. It was there - right there! - when I began this address.
"Well, no matter. I've got most of the facts and the figures in my head. The Irish security industry last year transported lots of money about the place. Lots and lots. Some it even got through! But some of it didn't. Such is life. Nobody says this is a perfect world - if it was, we'd all be out of business HA HA HA. And in the course of that year we have seen some major breakthroughs in our business.
"First of all, I'd like to announce the introduction of a new security van for getting money through known trouble-spots. We have introduced a special species of Tunisian ass, four of which will haul the van at speeds up to six miles an hour through terrorist and gangster ambushes. Specially trained guards armed with toilet rolls and mops will man embrasures along the van's sides which, being made of reinforced cardboard, are to all extents and purposes impregnable.
"Now, as for the inside of the van. There is of course a television screen which can get all channels - including Sky Sports for the big soccer occasions - for the guards to while away their time between robberies. There are some bunks, for the lads to lie down when they get bored. There are also showers and a sunbed.
"As you know, roofing is a major factor in the design of a security van, and we put a lot of thought into this. And we've come up with a radical new design - a convertible security vehicle, so that the crew will have the benefits of the weather when it is good. And when it's bad, why, the crew only have to close the canvas awning with a little winch; in 20 minutes or so, the vehicle is totally secure, provided - and since we're among friends, I can tell you this - the thieves haven't arrived with a can-opener. Keep that little nugget under your hats, lads; talking of which, has anyone seen my hat recently? I was wearing it when I began.
"Our Security-Van Refreshment Park is one of the most innovative developments in recent years. Tired crews, exhausted after half-an-hour or more on the roads, can pop in there, in total security. They leave the keys of the vehicles with our concierge, Captain Myrtle Witherspoon, late of that élite fighting unit, the Royal Corps of Haberdashers, Seamstresses and Tea-Cosy Knitters. Despite her years, Myrtle is a formidable warrior, and in her army days - single-handedly, mind - she once managed to beat a platoon of Gurkhas into utter surrender-terrors. I'm sorry, what? Ah. I see. That should be, she once managed to eat a platter of gherkins in 2, Upper Sorrento Terrace. Well, it pretty much comes to the same thing, you know.
"Anyway, you hand your keys over to Myrtle in her little hut, with a label containing the name, number and description of your van on each set. Make sure the writing is big, because the old eyesight isn't what it was. She needs to get your keys in case your van is in the way - and it's also the reason why your driver's seat must be wheelchair-accessible. One further point. Speak directly into her hearing tube - it's every bit as good as a modern hearing aid.
Then you enter the totally secure café. Firstly, sign on at the public display board, giving your name, your company, your vehicle, what your load is today, what your destination is, what route you'll be taking, what time you'll be leaving, and also - and this is very important - your home address. One final point about the park: there are no formalities about leaving. It is open access from all sides, for your convenience, with no irritating little security checks to hinder your swift departure.
"Before I continue, I would like to say that I had my pen in my hand when I introduced you to Myrtle. It's not there now. Whoever's got it, please return it. Now, at this point, I'd like to welcome some new members to our association, not all of whom are at liberty to join us today. But I'd like you to put your hands together and say a big hello to new friends - Rose Dugdale, Eddie Gallagher, John Gilligan, and their many friends.
"Thank you for that kind applause. Most touching. And now, before I close: a final question. Would any of you happen to know what's happened to my trousers? Or my underpants, even?"