My departure from this column and this newspaper had to come sooner or later, and it was always a question of when and where to. Obviously I've had a good time in my little corner here, and in many ways I'll be sorry to go, but we all have to experience new pastures as we move through life, and my time has come.
Fresh and happier fields beckon: and I would be away. For Chelsea FC calls: so you sad wasters and pathetic perverts here in The Irish bloody Times can just go and shag yourselves, the lot of you! I'm finished here for good! All I have to do is to pass the Chelsea medical, which for a man in my superb condition will be a doddle!
Now it's true that I am not quite as young as I was, and some might say that I could have trouble fitting into the Chelsea squad. However, though a natural right-footer, I scored an elegant goal-line tap-in with my left foot, aged , in Christ the King Primary School's legendary 11-0 victory over St Barnabas. No doubt Roman Abramovich and José Mourinho had this sublime feat in mind when they decided to sign me.
But it is not primarily my footballing ambidexterity that causes my new employers to seek my services (though personally speaking, I can still see myself coming on for the final five minutes of the Champions League Final against Barcelona, before slotting on to a neat little through ball from Damien Duff and icily slipping it around a despairing keeper: back of the net!). No indeed. You see, Chelsea FC are diversifying, and I am being brought in by the club to write the programme notes.
Or rather, help in the programme notes. Roman believes in an in-depth programme-team, and he has accordingly got a couple of people with a slightly higher profile than myself to head up the operation. The actual team-sheet, though chosen by José, will be written by Salman Rushdie, with some assistance in midfield from John Le Carré. Helping out defensively will be Zadie Smith, and I'm happy to say that Sebastian Barry and Roddy Doyle will be providing some Hibernian muscle here.
Where do I fit in? Well, I don't, just yet. I'm on the programme-writers' bench - but I'm still a vital part of the squad. That's modern football for you - a good manager has to make allowances for all sorts of creative injury and stress and strain. I'll just have to bide my time, maybe keeping an eye on the knock-around on the reserves pitch with Puskas, Jimmy Greaves, Denis Law and Bobby Charlton.
What? You didn't know Roman has also signed them? Well, he has. These are just-in-case signings. Roman is concerned that Fifa might try to scupper his plans by insisting that all Euro-championship players be born before 1950. So he has signed the 1966 World Cup winning team, the 1968 Manchester United European Cup winning team, and the Real Madrid 1960 European Cup team. Oh yes, plus Johann Cruyff and Pelé. That should do the trick.
He has also taken the necessary preparations lest Fifa insist that only dead players may take part in the European Champions League. In addition to getting the services of all the victims of the Munich tragedy, he has signed up Stanley Matthews, Johnny Carey and Babe Ruth (just in case Fifa invoke a sub-sub-clause requiring a team to field a baseball player who is not a pitcher of health).
Of course, Roman keeps all his options open. Last week he bought Bayern Munich, Real Madrid and AC Milan, which will become provider-teams to supply Chelsea with enough quality players through the season - Jose reckons that with a squad of about two hundred players, spread across the four clubs, that he might just have enough to ensure a European Champion's league victory.
But what if FIFA suddenly insists on teams containing some Oscar winners, say? No problem. This is why Henry Fonda, James Stewart and Clark Gable joined Chelsea's books in the close season. Cliff Richard, Michael Collins, Mother Teresa, Eamon de Valera and Disraeli were all signed for different though comparable reasons. They're out there now, having a bit of a kick-about.
With his height, Dev would make a useful centre-forward, and oo-ah, I do like Mother Teresa's dummy, the way she drops her left shoulder, but moves right - oh, I say, look at that, she's nutmegged Michael Collins, nice as ninepence! Ooh ya beauty, he won't like that, not one bit: and yes, as I thought he would, he's just shot her. Always a risky business, slipping one past Michael Collins - got such a short temper. Now over comes the ref. Yes, it's a yellow card. Well, he was asking for that, Trevor, wasn't he? That's the thing about this Chelsea team - they take even their practice matches so very seriously, as you would do when you are in competition with at least 20 international players per position. The chances are that every single player in the next World Cup, the entire Booker Prize shortlist, all contestants in the next Miss World, most Nobel laureates, plus the 22nd SAS, will consist of Chelsea players.
And that's the great thing about sport. It's an absolutely level playing pitch. No one gains from having more money. No one can buy success. Which is why I'm Chelsea-bound! What's that, doc? I've got flat feet? And what? Roman doesn't want me any more? Jesus. Any chance of retracting my opening paragraph? No? Blimey.