'PROPERTY SELLER goes into matchmaking business": (Headline in The Irish TimesProperty supplement, February 11th, over a story about how the slowdown is forcing estate agents to diversify, in one case by setting up a dating agency).
Just imagine.
Liam, 47, Dublin 6. Mature male in much sought-after location, close to Luas green line, schools, shops, and all amenities. Presented in superb condition, following recent upgrading work at gym. Non-smoker, GSOH. WLTM female 36-45 for fun and friendship. Viewing by appointment. Box no. 1062.
Katie, 38, Dún Laoghaire. Utterly charming, bijou female (4ft 11, extending to 5ft 2 with high heels), located in cosy bedsit close to sea, Dart, etc. Katie is lovingly maintained, with many surprise features. Currently double-glazed, pending laser eye surgery. Would like to meet male, 35-45, with view to friendship and maybe more. Viewing highly recommended. Box No 1761
Sean, 39, Navan. Good-looking, semi-detached male (divorce proceedings pending), likely soon to be homeless. In excellent condition, located very close to fitness and only a 20-minute daily run from athleticism. WLTM similar female, but with own house. On view, O’Malley’s Bar, every night from 9pm. Or contact Box No 2074.
Margaret, Leixlip. Curvy fortysomething female, firm-bodied but deceptively spacious. GSOH. Social drinker, loves dining out, socialising, and having fun!!?! WLTM male with energy rating certificate B1, or higher!!! Box No 3546.
Brian, 50s, Clontarf. Imposing double-fronted businessman, full of character, situated in leafy corner of prestigious Dublin suburb. Returning to the market for the first time in decades and might benefit from some modernisation. But a small investment by the right female would repay handsome dividends! Box No 2351.
Siobhan, 42, Galway: Highly desirable female located in prime area of life, combining breathtaking frontal views with spectacular, secluded rear (south-facing). One of the most stunning properties to come on the Galway market in years. Would suit discerning mature male, or sincere toy-boy. No time-wasters please. Viewing by appointment. Box No 1623.
George, 60s, Rathgar: Old-world charm meets new world excitement in this lively, superbly preserved widow. Constructed in the late Edwardian style, with listed facade and many original features, he also offers all the modern conveniences, including full-time Lithuanian housemaid and chauffeur-driven Bentley. A bon-viveur, George enjoys all of life’s pleasures, from the best Cuban cigars to vintage malts. A property simply boozing – er, oozing – with character, he would like to meet women aged 18-58 with a sense of fun. Short-term rentals considered. Box No 3429.
Angela, 29, north Cork. An ex-nun, her phased release onto the dating market for the first time represents the most exciting development in the Montenotte/St Luke’s area for many years. Set on a dramatic, spiritually elevated site, she is presented in pristine condition throughout. Seeks soulmate. Age and looks of no importance. Unveiling Saturday noon-1pm. Box No 1262.
Stephen, Dundalk. Middle-aged accountant, currently located in career cul-de-sac, just around the corner from success. Enjoys pre-1963 designation, but in need of total refurbishment. Obvious potential for mix of residential and commercial activities. This is a superb investment opportunity for an imaginative female with the creative touch. Box No 1317.
Lucy, 37, West Dublin: Originally advertised in 2005, and then 2007, but now returning to the market with a greatly reduced reserve, and even lower expectations. Would still prefer to meet a single, heterosexual male, with working pulse. But all reasonable offers will be considered. Box No 3765.
Mick, 32, Clondalkin. Just released (from a private, gated community boasting state-of-the-art security and 24-hour supervision), Mick is a high-spirited and adventurous individual seeking a new start in life. His characterful street-frontage belies an interesting, split-level interior, with hidden depths. Facade features a number of interesting relief carvings and many original tattoos. Viewing recommended. Box No 6103.
Debbie, 27, North Dublin. Former soccer-star groupie, blonde, currently resident in penthouse at Belmayne apartment complex, where “gorgeous living comes to Dublin”. Combines sunny, light-filled head, with state-of-the-art accessorisation. Is now a bit tired of gorgeous living and footballers, however. Would like something a little less exciting and more sustainable as, for example, the wife of a surgeon in Clontarf. Box No. 2445.
Alexendru, 28, Moldova: Ever considered investing in Eastern Europe? Alexandru, an up-and-coming businessman currently overlooking the Black Sea, offers guaranteed short-term returns to an Irish-resident female in return for instant marriage. Looks and age unimportant. Box No 2338.
Michael, west Cork. Location, Location, Location! That is the watchword with this superb late middle-aged man: now a picturesque ruin, but magnificently sited on his own property overlooking the majestic Bantry Bay. This is a unique opportunity for a woman with some money and endless patience to put her own stamp on a timeless classic. But act now, while he’s still standing. Box No 4035.