HAVING SPENT a life-time avoiding them, the inevitable, em, inevitably happened on another delayed train journey - Pól Ó Muirístarted doing the crossword.
There was nothing else for it. I had forgotten the Discman (yes, I am that old-fashioned), had read the papers I had with me and had no energy to undertake the Arabic novel about Toureg folklore. (Yes, old-fashioned with a cosmopolitan, eclectic taste in literature.) It was the crossword or stare out the window. Again. So, off I went hunting out the words, following the nods and literary winks to try and attempt to fill the space and avoid thinking about the delayed train. I wish I could say that I found out every clue in a short while but, alas, I am too s. . . (six letters). Well, that and the fact that my English is not what it was. Don't get me wrong. I am not a language bigot. Some of my best friends are English speakers. My parents are English speakers. My wife is one too and we muddle by the best.
No, what I mean is that there is that element to the crossword whereby you have to tune yourself into the anonymous author's way of thinking. The little literary nods and sideways invitations take a while to get used to. There is a philosophical element to the whole thing; the idea of text and the context; of bald words but subtle semantics. The clues also vary from paper to paper. The newspapers I buy - yes, old-fashioned again: I don't view them on-line - are usually the Irish News, the Belfast Telegraph, the Independent and this one. Oddly, I have found the Irish Newsand the Teleto be the most difficult. So far, I have just not managed to tune myself into their crosswords. I read the clues and find myself drawing blanks time and again.
However, the Independentand The Irish TimesSimplex Crossword - I am only starting out - have proven to be more fruitful. This, of course, is a worry in itself. It is, undoubtedly, a sign that I have become bourgeois in my intellectual tastes. How can I hold my head up as being a son of West Belfast when the crosswords of the two Belfast papers are beyond my ken and yet the West Brit Timesand the English Independentare actually accessible? Even worse, however, is the fact that no one warned me how addictive crosswords could be. I am a busy journalist with children to look after. I don't have a lot of time and yet the siren call of the crossword drives me to the rocks of distraction every day. School runs are forgotten and the Hoover is left unattended while the cup of coffee grows cold in the titanic struggle between sneaky come-ons and mediocre intellect. I struggle with my brain to find the solution to 1 across and 12 down. I stare at the obvious - loving embrace: something udd something e (it's "cuddle" you tube, cuddle!); something udd something e (it's "cuddle" you chump, cuddle!) before realising that it is "cuddle". It's cuddle! Sweet Mary of the Gael, it's cuddle! Are crosswords the literary equivalent of crack cocaine? You certainly get that feeling of high but at great cost; the realisation of just how much the whole process takes out of you. (How could you not realise it was "cuddle", you dipstick?) Despite that, I feel the need every morning to check yesterday's answers and then tackle today's. I am, I freely admit, a bit of crossword tart. I start with one, do my best and then move on to another trick for the day. I lay my hat wherever the ink goes down easiest. I am not proud of this admission, obviously, but that's what they do to you. In my defence, I can only say that there are no health warnings against promiscuous behaviour with crosswords.
I have sunken to even lower depths, the lowest. I have to admit that I have - God help me - used the dictionary while doing the crossword. I am told that this is akin to cheating at solitaire. I can't help it. I have just got to find the next word and the one after that. Those little panels of white and black taunt me. Bit by bit, I move across them as Alexander the Great moved across Asia, as Napoleon moved across Europe and always with the same result; I lose. I never manage to fill every thing across and down.
Truly, the crossword is like a military campaign - fighting on two fronts is not to be recommended.
My addiction is really bad at the moment. I am thinking of buying one of those crossword books. You know the ones - as thick as the Bible and full of crosswords. And what if I do buy it? What's it to you? It's not as if I am doing anyone any harm.
There are just words, you know. Just words. So many words. So many different, difficult words. . .