Danny Healy-Rae's claim that some pub-goers are now taking up smoking "for romance" - because it offers an excuse to meet people in the intimate surroundings of doorways - does not surprise me, writes Frank McNally.
I heard a similar thing in Clare a while back, from a man who worried that the smoking ban was having a detrimental effect on traditional music sessions. What happened, he said, was that a female fiddler would go outside the pub for a cigarette break. Then the male whistle player who fancied her would go out too, causing further disruption. If there was a love triangle and - say - the uilleann piper was involved as well, the whole session would be ruined.
As a publican, Cllr Healy-Rae's concern goes beyond mere music. His interest is the well-being, indeed the very survival, of his customers. Thus, he worries not only that some of them are being forced to take up smoking in search of love, but also - as he told this paper - that people are "catching cold from going outside". Clearly, this is a romantic tragedy in the making. So, in an attempt to highlight the problem, I have decided to write an updated version of Romeo and Juliet, set mainly in the doorways of Irish pubs. Here's the first draft (if you'll forgive the pun). I hope to have the script finished in time for this year's theatre festival.
(Author's note: For the internecine feud central to Shakespeare's plot, I thought about using two rival fiddle-playing styles. But passionate as traditional musicians' arguments can be, they rarely result in homicidal violence, even in Clare. So for realism, it had to be two GAA clubs instead.)
Scene 1. The interior of a pub in Kerry. The Montagues Under 21 football team are celebrating league victory over hated rivals the Capulets, some of whose players are also on the premises. The Montagues' captain, "Romie" O'Sullivan - known simply as "Romeo" to his friends - is in conversation with team-mates Ben Foley (aka "Benvolio") and Mark-Hugh O'Connor ("Mercutio"). Suddenly, through the doorway, his eye is caught by a flaring match struck by Juliet O'Shea (a cousin of the Capulets' oddly-named captain, Tybalt). As she lights a cigarette, Romeo notices for the first time how beautiful she is.
Romeo: But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Benvolio: Don't even think about it.
Mercutio: Go west, young man!
Romeo (dreamily): I need to take up smoking.
Scene 2: The doorway, a short time later.
Juliet: Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? (She touches a rose in the hanging basket overhead). What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Not that I can smell anything with these damn cigarettes - they dull all the senses. I know I'm always saying it, but I really should quit.
Romeo (appearing from nowhere): Could I bum one of those off you?
Juliet (flustered): Oh. Yes. Yes, of course. (She holds the packet of towards him, pushing a cigarette out with trembling hands. He takes it. Their eyes meet, and they feel a spark between them. Juliet offers Romeo her cigarette as a light, but the spark has got there already. Romeo takes his first drag, trying not to choke.)
Juliet (to herself, smiling): Imagine. If I'd quit smoking, this might never have happened.
Scene 3: Six weeks later, in the pub's new beer-garden. It is late. Although an Arctic wind whips through the open-air facility, Juliet lingers over yet another cigarette with Romeo, who now has a 40-a-day habit. Mercutio and Benvolio stand nearby, having also taken up smoking in the hopes of getting lucky.
Romeo (to Juliet): Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say goodnight until it be tomorrow.
Publican: Have ye no homes to go to?
Juliet (coughing badly): Here's my lift.
Scene 4: Another pub doorway. The Capulets and the Montagues have met again, this time in the championship. The Montagues have suffered a heavy defeat, after a catastrophic drop in fitness levels, caused by smoking. Worse still, Juliet is in hospital with pneumonia. Romeo and his friends stand under a cloud of smoke, drowning their sorrows. Enter Tybalt and team-mates.
Tybalt: We meet again, losers! And now you pay for what you did to my cousin. (They fight. Tybalt fells Mercutio with a beer bottle.)
Mercutio: A plague on both your houses! (He dies. Romeo slays Tybalt, earning a six-week ban from all club matches. This is later suspended pending an appeal to the games administration committee.)
Scene 5: A convalescent home. Juliet has recovered from her illness. But in an attempt to kick the smoking habit, she has enlisted the services of a hypnotist, who has put her into a death-like trance for 48 hours. Not knowing this, Romeo thinks she really is dead. He leaves the home scarred for life, gives up smoking, and vows never to darken the door of a pub again.
Scene 6: The publican stands behind the counter of his empty bar. It has just opened for the day, but he knows there will be no customers.
Publican: A glooming peace this morning with it brings/ The sun for sorrow will not show its head/ Go hence to have more talk of these sad things/ Some shall be pardoned and some punish-ed/ For never was a story of more woe/ Than this of Juliet and her Romeo."
(Exit publican, locking door and placing "For sale" sign on window.)