I KNOW what the cynics will say. And yes, the timing probably looks suspicious. But the truth is that, long before the news of Leona Helmsley's will, I had secretly decided to devote the rest of my life to charity work on behalf of dogs, writes Frank McNally.
Why, you may ask, did I not go public with these plans last week, before the announcement that the late "Queen of Mean" had left her entire $8 billion estate to canine welfare? Because I was distracted by less important things, that's why. Ms Helmsley herself would understand.
After all, when she wrote the original mission statement for her charitable trust, a few years ago, it identified the twin goals of helping not just dogs, but also homeless people.
Only later did she delete the bit about people, instead concentrating all her resources - almost equivalent to the GDP of Estonia - on such causes as the continued upkeep of her beloved Maltese bitch, Trouble. But that just shows how even the most idealistic of dog-lovers can be temporarily sidetracked by things that don't matter.
Anyway, it is after much soul-searching that I have decided to press ahead with my plans for the Doggone and Life's-a-Bitch foundations, regardless. To postpone them, lest I be accused of naked opportunism, would have been selfish. The cause of dog welfare was far too important to let petty human egos get in the way. There is so much work to be done, I realised. Let's just get on with it (subject to funding).
Regular readers will not be surprised to know where my first priority lies. For several years now, I have had a 6 per cent shareholding in a greyhound - or rather a series of greyhounds. I admit that when I first entered this arrangement, several dogs ago, my motivation - laughable, as I soon realised - was the hope of financial reward. But working closely with greyhounds has changed me; and my only interest now is to give our latest dog a better life.
Unfortunately, in a 17-member syndicate, the custody issues are a nightmare. Even taking the mutt for a walk is impossible. My first ambition, therefore, is to buy out the other members and then allow the animal to retire with dignity. After that, and as funding permits, I also propose to start buying up other greyhounds in the industry and releasing them from slavery too.
Of course, the life of leisure is not for every dog. No doubt we will purchase greyhounds for whom - because of their outlook, temperament, or ability to run 550 metres in under 29 seconds - retirement might not be deemed appropriate. Inspectors from the Life's-a-Bitch Foundation will monitor these animals closely to ensure that their racing and subsequent stud careers continue only as long as they enjoy it.
Another of my pet interests - if you'll pardon the term - is canine education. Specifically, I would like to help house-train those dogs and their owners who foul public footpaths. Again, I confess that my interest in this subject has not always been caninocentric. But I have reason to believe that, in my part of town, dogs and their owners now risk serious assault the next time their deposits end up on the shoes of certain children I know. This situation is probably replicated elsewhere.
To reduce the danger to such animals, I propose to establish a de luxe correctional facility where students - bipedal and quadropedal - could learn about public hygiene. Special "scholarships" would be awarded (by the courts, ideally) to owners who consistently fail to clean up after the event, allowing them and their pets to spend periods in intensive pooper-scooper training camps, where only the best in high-fibre petfood will be served.
The main purpose of my proposed Doggone Foundation would be to provide lasting memorials for dead pets. One of the first beneficiaries would be my old labrador Rover, who has lain in an unmarked grave for many years now. With suitable funding, I plan to erect a tasteful marble mausoleum at the site.
Other projects under this heading would include the creation of a "Tomb of the Unknown Mongrel", to commemorate the countless millions of pets or strays who repose equally unrecorded. And with the expertise that my foundation hopes to build up over the coming years, who knows? Perhaps it could eventually be entrusted with the ultimate responsibility.
I note with joy that Ms Helmsley's Maltese is currently in excellent health, as befits a dog that has been spoon-fed gourmet pet food since birth and given $8,000 worth of grooming every year. Despite a US judge's recent disgraceful decision to reduce her personal inheritance six-fold, to a mere $2 million, there is reason to hope that Trouble will continue to be a lapdog of luxury for many years to come.
Of course, nobody wants to think about the day when she will join her former owner in the hereafter. But that's what the Doggone Foundation is for. And I hope I am not be seen to be merely ingratiating myself with Ms Helmsley's lawyers by suggesting that such an eminent bitch should have a suitable monument.
A slightly scaled-down version of the Taj Mahal is what I suggest, approached by a tree-lined avenue where admirers could cock their legs in tribute. With some preliminary funding, I could get my people working on the plans right away.