When moving into a new house, many of us go to great lengths to ensure that rooms are comfortable and pleasing to the eye. We consult lifestyle magazines for advice on combining functionality with beauty. We may even hire an interior designer to ensure that the fitted kitchen goes well with the floor tiles and that the living-room curtains are at least on speaking terms with the sofa, writes Frank McNally.
Then we have children, and we realise that our home is a terrible mistake. The children don't go with anything! Yes, they add splashes of colour here and there - but not in a good way. Worse, they clash violently (and often literally) with the decor.
Nevertheless, here you are with a baby and a home that you now realise is a death trap. You have two choices:
(1) You can house-proof the child, which would probably involve rearing it in a cage; or (2) you can child-proof the house. However great a challenge, most people opt for the latter.
Some things are common sense. If you own any Ming vases, for example, now would be a good time to put them away somewhere safe (maybe Switzerland). The same goes for your Waterford Crystal collection, and the urn containing your grandfather. Your priceless Persian rug at least has the advantage that it's not breakable. But unless you think its value would be enhanced by long-term exposure to baby emissions, yoghurt, wet lollipops, etc, it'll have to go too.
Let's assume that all the precious objects are hidden. Now to remove all the hazards. The good news for paranoid parents is that this can be done gradually, as the infant's mobility grows. With babies, the number of potential accidents is fairly limited. It's in the low thousands, maximum. Besides, you will soon develop a sixth sense (or to use the scientific term, "become neurotic") about possible dangers. But here are some tips to start with.
Kitchen: All you really need to worry about here are the cooker, the kettle, the toaster, the washing-machine, the dishwasher, the food-mixer, and anything else that ever involves hot water or electricity, or both. Also, you need to lock any presses containing the sort of material - shoe polish, Brillo pads, etc - that will say to the average child: "Eat me!"
Did I mention the microwave? The main risk here is that an infant will take something out while it's hot. But left unsupervised, a child may also experiment by inserting unsuitable food items - the family pet, perhaps - and pressing "defrost".
Living Room: Experts recommend that new parents should explore the living room on all fours, to see what babies see. This can be an alarming experience. You will notice for the first time that the lunatic who built your house placed all the plug sockets a foot off the floor! What was he thinking? Maybe he had shares in the company that makes those plastic socket-fillers you now have to buy before the baby electrocutes himself.
Other things a foot off the floor are the aforementioned corners of the coffee-table. Luckily, you can also buy little rubber table-corner attachments. Some of the better ones will stay in place for up to 24 hours before your child pulls them off and sticks them to the cat.
If your living-room has an open fireplace, it goes without saying that it will need a permanent guard from now on. Most parents can't afford to pay a guard's wages, however. You may have to make do with one of those metal grids instead. Other things to be aware of are wires. Like rodents, teething children will chew these if let. Cover them up or put them in protective tubes (the wires, not the children).
Bathroom: At the risk of overdoing it, you might consider putting a lock on the toilet seat. Otherwise children may place inappropriate objects - perhaps the family pet, again - down the bowl. If nothing else, a toilet-lock can be a big comfort to a parent on those occasions when he notices that his toothbrush is wet even before he uses it.
On the other hand, you should remove the key from the bathroom door, before your child locks himself in. A parent trying to talk a small child through unlocking a door from the other side is like air traffic control advising a nervous passenger how to land a plane. Yes, not being able to lock the bathroom exposes you to invasion of privacy. But remember, you're a parent now. Your privacy was invaded the day the child was born. Any remaining pockets of resistance will be wiped out soon. Nobody's coming to liberate it, either.
Bedroom: While your child's bed may serve as a place for him to sleep (on the rare occasions when he's not sleeping in yours), its main function is of course as a trampoline. Occasionally, he will fall off the trampoline, and you need to consider the consequences. Assuming a particularly bad bounce, calculate the maximum distance your child can travel and then remove all dangerous objects, including windows, from that radius.
A few general points: Fire is a constant danger, so hide matches and cigarette lighters. If your child has a scientific bent, you should also hide magnifying glasses, sticks that can be rubbed together, etc. Even if you remove all other hazards, collisions with walls remain a risk. If your child is particularly athletic, you might consider fitting him with a crash helmet - just for a few years. Finally, if you have one or more male offspring, a useful tip is to destroy all your good furniture now. It will save time later on.