In a world exclusive, I have secured an advance copy of the long-awaited Book of Genesis report into the catastrophic events in the Garden of Eden, writes Frank McNally
The conclusion of the consultants is that Adam's and Eve's drastic underperformance was the result of a collective failure by all involved, but that nobody in particular is to blame, especially not the people who commissioned the report. Here are the main findings.
Preparation:While there is no evidence that Adam and Eve were under-prepared for the conditions they would face in Eden, there are some grounds for believing that a lack of strategic goals may have caused an early loss of focus in what was a high-intensity situation. The consultants also note with concern that the pair seemed initially unaware of their nakedness. However, it is considered that management's decision to send them into such an elite environment with no clothes on was appropriate, given the expected weather conditions.
Personnel:We believe that the performance of the team might have benefited from the appointment of a suitably trained professional offering ongoing psychological support. The retention of a dedicated reptile-handling coach would also have assisted in their decision-making process vis-à-vis what to eat. Dietary deficiencies are not found to have been a factor in the forbidden fruit incident, but the possibility of adding a full-time nutritionist to the support team might have been considered.
Communications:The consultants find that the instruction not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil was delivered with sufficient clarity, and that the tree was adequately marked. Nevertheless, the cacophony arising from the presence in the garden of "all the beasts of the earth according to their kinds" may have meant that calls were misheard. The development of more effective lines of communication could have prevented a sub-optimal performance. In particular, the management might have explored ways in which the knowledge of good and evil could have been freed up, under licence, and shared with other stakeholders.
The Expulsion of Adam and Eve from Eden:Mankind's early exit from the garden was a matter of great disappointment for everyone involved, especially considering that, for this group, it may have been their only chance at eternal happiness. For once, as a cliché-term to describe the consequences of an event, "fall-out" is entirely appropriate in this case. On a more positive note, the use of fig-leaves as a temporary expedient to cover the team's embarrassment proved surprisingly successful and should be adapted as best practice by organisations experiencing image problems.
The Flood:Given mankind's continued underperformance on earth, the Great Flood was probably unavoidable. In these difficult circumstances, management's decision to commission an ark was an effective leadership strategy to limit the damage, ensuring as it did that none of the key people got their feet wet. We commend the work of our colleagues in the Noah's Ark Consultancy group.
The Tower of Babel:While the ambition to build a tower up to heaven was an example of "blue-sky thinking" at its best, there is evidence that the lines of communication became severely confused during this project.
The lesson to be learned is that we need to develop a more effective means of reporting up and down the corporate hierarchy. Either that or we need to avoid building towers.
Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah:The tactic of using fire and brimstone was dramatically effective in the encounter with the Sodomites. However, the result was spoiled by an incident in the closing minutes, during which - as has been sensationally reported in the media - Lot's wife was turned into a Pillar of Salt. The consultants recommend that the rest of Lot's family should avoid backward-looking situations, going forward.
The Children of Israel in Egypt:The consultants note the successful deployment of plagues against the Pharaoh (Gen 12:17), and recommend that the potential of similar tactics be investigated for future international tests, especially away from home.
Abraham and Isaac:The consultants commend Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his son for the good of the team, and reject criticism that the initial request to this effect by management was inappropriate. Although it would have presented a major public relations challenge had the order been followed through, the proposal is deemed to have been within the realms of what was acceptable in the context of the Old Testament. Equally, the consultants welcome the decision that, ultimately, no heads would roll - a precedent that set the tone for this report.
Overall conclusion:While no blame whatsoever should be attached to God, Who should be allowed to see out His already-agreed contract for the remaining period (all eternity), the consultants note His extremely heavy workload during the events in question, especially during the initial seven days. The consultants recommend that, without diluting His authority in any way, God should henceforth be divided into a three-person Committee. We believe that this would be the best way to meet the challenges facing us as we move forward into the New Testament.