NEWTON'S OPTIC:IT WAS 2009, the start of that grim period in our history now referred to as "The Bubbles". Across Ireland, hundreds of developers had been forced from at least some of their homes by rampaging hordes of hate-filled public sector unionists.
Although there is no doubt that both sides suffered terribly from the ensuing mayhem, Catholics were by far the worst affected due to their outrageous propensity for corruption.
As house prices threatened to spiral down to affordable levels, acting taoiseach Brian Lenihan made a televised address to the nation, promising to “stand and idly buy”. It was in this feverish atmosphere that the Usual Forces drew up plans for an invasion of the property market, code-named Operation Namageddon.
The plan’s authors admitted that there was no hope of success through open intervention. The Usual Forces were severely under-strength, having been on their usual manoeuvres.
Instead the plan proposed “unconventional methods”, such as sending agents in to talk up prominent buildings to create a distraction, allowing besieged developers to be safely evacuated.
Special attention was paid to the vulnerability of Co Donegal, which could have been cut off at any moment by Protestant holiday homes. However, nobody gave a damn about Monaghan.
The plan also called for the destruction of the BBC in Belfast, primarily to stop transmission of Gary and Danielle’s Northern Exposure. Experts agree that this is the only part of Operation Namageddon that would not have met with stiff resistance.
Today, we know that Lenihan had no real intention of following through. It was a ruse to placate the builders’ wing of Fianna Fáil until calmer heads prevailed. Hints of this can be found in the original document, which is littered with subtle phrases like “suicide mission”, “clearly mental” and “even Blaney won’t fall for this one”.
A far greater threat to the State was posed by Operation Farmageddon, the Irish Farmers’ Association plan to invade Cavan. This could easily have brought down the Government if it had not been confused with Operation Pharmageddon, the Irish Pharmacy Union plan to invade Mary Harney. Several hundred chemists were later interned for membership of a prescribed organisation.
What nobody in the South realised at the time was that the Northerners were planning their own counter-invasion to restore the Protestant ascendancy and re-establish the Church of Ireland.
Operation Armaghgeddon proposed sending undercover clergy across the Border to re-occupy derelict churches before developers could convert them into apartments. This would have directly conflicted with Operation Namageddon, resulting in an island-wide apocalypse.
Operation Namageddon also very nearly clashed with Operation Karmageddon, the Tibetan Buddhist plan to invade West Cork. While this might not have caused an island-wide apocalypse, it could very well have ended in a Nama-Lama-ding-dong.
In the event none of these plans ever came to fruition, or had any hope of coming within a million miles of fruition, or were ever meant to be much more than warnings against even thinking of bringing them to fruition.
However, it is fascinating to contemplate what might have happened if they had ever come to fruition. Especially if a rather nasty little part of you secretly wishes they had.