NEWTON'S OPTIC:Most consultancy firms claim to offer a "fire-fighting service" and there is no reason why this should not be taken literally. Consultants are generally fit, due to regular games of golf, and few would pass up the chance to drive a €100,000 vehicle at high speed. They would certainly all be happy to slide down a pole, as long as it was very well greased.
If your house is currently on fire call consultancy firms in the Dublin area now and ask them to send round a tender. Each firm will then ask you to tender for their tender. Award your business to the firm with the shiniest big red tender, or whoever you played golf with last.
Consultants usually charge by the hour, so allow several hours for the consultancy brigade to arrive. By this time your house should be well ablaze, confirming the wisdom of your call for help. Under no circumstances should you attempt to put the fire out yourself, as this may place you and your career in danger. Remember the official advice: "Get out, get the consultants out, get the chequebook out."
Upon arrival, the consultancy brigade will make an initial estimate of the cost of spraying water into your house. This is known as the "price water-house". They will then begin the fire-fighting process. This is known as "getting hosed".
The first phase of getting hosed involves defining the problem and setting goals. Typically, the definition of the problem is that your house is on fire and the goal is to put the fire out. At this point a public consultation exercise may also be necessary. Are your neighbours concerned by the spreading conflagration? Would they support moves of a dousing nature?
Phase two involves developing a suite of solutions which are acceptable to you as the client. This could mean discussing water and foam-based oxygen deprivation strategies, while ruling out explosive demolition of the conservatory. Are you prepared for options requiring structural change? Like a partial roof collapse, for instance?
Phase three involves developing an action plan going forward. How would you, as the client, prioritise implementation of the goal-orientated solutions? Would you risk water damage to prevent smoke damage, for example? Or are you more concerned about the oil tank blowing up?
Finally, there is evaluation and reporting. Has the fire been put out to your complete satisfaction? Is any of your house left standing? Would you consider calling the consultancy brigade again for another emergency, such as a cat stuck up a tree or a bureaucracy stuck up its own backside?
Dublin Fire Brigade operates 14 fire stations, 19 fire engines, eight specialist rescue vehicles and 12 ambulances and trains all 900 frontline staff as paramedics. This old-fashioned service is clearly inadequate to deal with the threats facing local government today.
The city council is quite right to prefer employing consultants. Who better to help it deal with a bonfire of the quangos?