Completing the census form is a serious business. Only by every one of us being counted, the accompanying leaflet admonishes, will the census "work for all of us". The instructions warn: "You are obliged by law to complete this form. Any person who fails or refuses to provide this information or who knowingly provides false information may be subject to a fine of €25,000."
Last time, a man who objected to completing the form was fined and, on refusing to pay, jailed for a fortnight. But it is unclear who bears ultimate responsibility. The instructions state: "The householder or any adult member of the household present on the night of Sunday, April 23rd, 2006, should complete the form." A household is defined as "one person living alone" or "a group of related/unrelated people living at the same address with common housekeeping arrangements, that is, sharing at least one meal a day or sharing a living room or sitting room". No definition of "householder" is provided, although the term appears several times on the form, including the final page, which provides for a declaration by the person taking responsibility for completion. The questions are phrased to suggest that each member of the "household" is expected to fill out the section referring to him or her.
Seemingly only one person, however, can be responsible for the overall form, as there is space for just one signature in the box headed "Declaration to be completed by the person responsible for completing the form." Just below this box is an example to help with Question 3, concerning relationships to other members of the household. The notional family in this example comprises Thomas and Helen Murphy, their daughter Catherine and her daughter Aoife. Helen Murphy completes the form, so becoming, presumably, the "householder". It used to be that, in what we now call "conventional" families, the "householder" was the husband/father, and the idea of a single signature refers back to this. But because the census form has been compiled according to the latest concepts of political correctness, this notion is both present and absent, rendering meaningless the idea of a single signature.
The 2006 census is designed for an individualised society. Or perhaps "an individualised, feminised society". On the leaflet accompanying the form is a face composed of hundreds of tiny faces, and a slogan: "Be part of the bigger picture." The larger face is a woman's. A gimlet-eyed friend assures me that two-thirds of the tiny faces are female also. It would be easy to laugh this off as the usual PC silliness, but at the back of it is the pungent aroma of an agenda, which infects also the questions.
The first hint is in Question 5, which invites the respondent to "Give the place where your mother lived at the time of your birth."
Question 11 asks: "How many children have you given birth to?" There follows a note in italics: "This question is for women only." The female citizen is then invited to "write in the number of children born alive". Other than these inquiries about immaculate conceptions, there are no questions relating to parenthood. This census, therefore, which is supposed to provide "a comprehensive picture of the social and living conditions of our people" and provide information "necessary for planning Ireland's future", has no provision for collecting data about fathers in the State.
It is reasonable to infer that the roles of husbands and fathers are no longer considered important elements of the social and living conditions of our people, or to have any function in the planning of Ireland's future.
The smiling female on the leaflet acquires a more pointed significance. Question 26 concerns "your present principal status". Eight options are provided. A busy man rushing to finish might immediately settle for the first, "Working for payment or profit", especially as this is immediately followed by "Looking for first regular job", "Unemployed" and "Student or pupil". (Make that "an individualised, feminised economy".). Option five is "Looking after home/family". Anxious to get done with it, I first ticked option one, but then, reflecting that my profiteering is really about looking after my child and our home, scratched out my first response and ticked option five. (There is no reference in the instructions to penalties for making holes in the form.)
Most men work to take care of their families. But most too will have been misled by this census form into describing their principal status in its most superficial - and pejorative - context. This means that nothing in the supposedly vital statistics concerning the social and living conditions of the Irish population in 2006 will reflect the most obvious role and activities of Irish fathers. Most of us will be listed as spending our lives in pursuit of payment and profit, while our children will, once again, be deemed the statistical and moral property of their mothers.