With characteristic sensationalism, the ‘News of the World’ paraded its world view in print one last time
TRAGIC BEAUTY News of the World, yesterday spoke of her week of hell. "It's been a living nightmare," she said. The flame- haired lovely (168) was speaking as she closed her doors for the last time. The tearful red top blamed newspaper executives who didn't know when to stop, claiming they had sacrificed her for their own perverted ends. "Those boys are crazed thugs," she said. "I've been hacked to death." Once a party girl who could go all night, the faded beauty was looking drawn and pale yesterday morning. The edition, number 8,674, was predictable and a bit boring. To no one's surprise, it contained a "Thighlights of Page Three" stunnas, direct from its enormous archives.
The most controversial headline in the Irish edition yesterday was “FG goes with Gay for Prez”, over a story that was not the corker usual readers might reasonably have been expecting.
Furious insiders agreed that yesterday's paper was a bit of a damp squib. Have A Go Hero Hugh Grant (50, but then he's a man ) called it a limp apology. "What the hell do you expect?" the fiery red-head snapped back. "We've all been in the pub since Thursday." Randy Hugh has won a place in News of the World's heart with his brave campaign against phone hacking. "I thought he was just a posh ponce," she said. "The Roger Moore of our times. But now I see that he's a proper democrat. Phwoar!"
Her showbusiness and political editors are believed to have come to blows over which pages should carry pictures of cheeky Hugh. “He could run for parliament now that he’s proved that he’s interested in more than posh totty,” said a friend close to the actor. “Who would have guessed that actors would care about murdered little girls and their families? It’s a miracle.” Yesterday, the XS show business pages presented the final Top Five celebrities – Cheryl Cole was number one.
In a shock development, Louis Walsh came in at an amazing number three. “What can we tell you,” said the plucky XS team, “we couldn’t get the guy off the phone.” No surprise that XS’s Bottom Five celebrity list was headed by bad girl Jordan aka Katie Price, followed by Peaches Geldof who has been pretty quiet recently. Celebrity spies dubbed the whole list “a total washout”.
However, brave News of the Worldrallied and showed she still has it in her with a classic Sunday Quickie on page 22. "PR man Steo Swiney, 27, had to be rescued by the fire service after he became trapped inside an inflatable tomato in Romford." And then she let everyone know that she had lost none of her sly wit with a cracker of a piece on page 12. Radio megastar Matt Cooper (44) was sharing details of his workout routine. He was referred to as bubbly Matt as a gym bunny but also as Gym Matt, which gave the whole item a little lift.
It’s the little things the punters will miss, much more than the investigative triumphs of Mazher Mahmood, many of which were truly hardcore.
In a double tragedy, local hero Paul Williams is a recent recruit. Cuddly Paul (47) must now continue his Irish crime fighting elsewhere. Close friends told us, “Paul’s gutted”. They added they’d love to talk but had to get back to the station.
There were tears too for the Fabuloushairdryer promo which died with the paper. "Hairdryer promo off" was the dramatic headline on page 11. Fabulous, the paper's colour magazine, had been printed "prior to the news of this being our final edition . . . We apologise for the disappointment and any confusion caused". In fact the Fabulousoffer looked pretty fabulous. Fearless journalists who rang the London switchboard last Friday noted the very first option on the automatic switchboard was devoted to readers and reader offers. The second option was devoted to those who had a news story. Not all newspapers are so loving towards the people who pay their wages.
Over a couple of drinks, the newspaper diva tearfully remembered those good times, when everyone loved her. “In the 1940s and 1950s, we were on a roll. Star reporter, John Rae, interviewed multiple murderer John Christie while he was on the run from the police,” she sobbed. “Back then, we paid the legal defence costs of murderers, and then paid their families after they’d been executed. And we had a circulation of eight million. Where did it all go wrong?”
She vowed to continue her fight for journalistic standards, and warned she won’t be the last red top to meet a savage end. Stunned punters watched as she staggered to her feet and walked out into the night.
News of the World's partially naked body was later found in the woods, by a man out walking his dog. Fears are growing that it will be picked over by sociologists, media analysts and feminist scholars. It's a horrible thought.