Newton's Optic: Newton Emersonpresents an Ulsterman's guide to recognising the stark and varied terrain of Kosovo.
Q:I know the Kosovo Albanians are Muslims. But are they Protestant or Catholic?
A:The Kosovo Albanians occupied an ancient province of Serbia many centuries ago, so they are essentially Protestant.
However, you do realise that they have been fashionably oppressed, so they often sound Catholic.
Q:What about the Serb minority in the north? Would it not be fair to say that they could be the Protestants?
A:Only if Kosovo is compared to the whole of Ireland. If Kosovo is compared to Northern Ireland, then its unwanted Serbian enclave is really much more like Derry.
Q:Does this mean Albania is Britain and Serbia is the Irish Republic?
A:If Kosovan independence is a final settlement, then Albania is Britain.
However, if its independence is a step towards a Greater Albania, then Serbia is Britain. And Yugoslavia was the United Kingdom.
Q:So which side am I on?
A:Some Irish republicans side with Serbia out of pro-communist nostalgia.
And some unionists side with Serbia out of nonconformist solidarity. Apart from that, you're on your own.
Q:What about all those Union Jacks the Kosovo Albanians were waving in the street? Does that mean anything?
A:Yes. It means they'll have plenty of Union Jacks to burn in the street when the money runs out.
Q:Is the Kosovo Liberation Army the IRA or the UVF?
A:The KLA's political wing is now in government, so that makes it the IRA.
On the other hand, it is heavily involved in organised crime, so really it could be either.
Q:Does prime minister Hashim Thaci combine the roles of Ian Paisley and Martin McGuinness?
A:Mr Thaci is the president of Kosovo's largest nationalist party and he is also a former leader of the KLA. Therefore, it might be more accurate to say that he combines the roles of Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness.
Q:Hasn't Mr Thaci been convicted of terrorist atrocities?
A:That question is anti-Thaci, anti-Kosovan and unhelpful to the independence process.
Q:Could the Kosovo Albanian groups inside neighbouring Macedonia be compared to Orangemen in Liverpool or Celtic supporters in Glasgow?
A:For Macedonia's sake, let's hope not.
Q:Kosovo has roughly the same area and population as Northern Ireland.
Is the world's media likely to point this out?
A:No. Under international reporting rules, Kosovo can only be described as "smaller than Wales".
Q:So an independent Kosovo doesn't set any precedent for an independent Northern Ireland?
A:What Britain and America are actually backing is "supervised independence".
And sure don't we all know that Northern Ireland set that precedent a while ago.
Q:Isn't the Kosovan parliament quite like Stormont, when you think about it?
A:It has a 120-member assembly with guaranteed Serb minority representation, so yes.
But the minority parties that keep walking out in a huff, so no.
Q:Then surely that means that the Kosovan Serbs must be nothing if not Protestant!
A:No. The Kosovan Serbs are eastern Orthodox.
Q:This is far too complicated - perhaps I should turn the question around. Which side are the Kosovars on?
A:Why, yours of course. In Pristina, you will find they speak of little else.