Newton's Optic:Ikea's arrival in Northern Ireland has been welcomed across the whole political spectrum, especially the soft pastel end, writes Newton Emerson
The peace process reached its logical conclusion yesterday morning with the opening of Ireland's first Ikea superstore on the outskirts of Belfast. Huge crowds of people from across the North came together in an orgy of shallow consumerism, Scandinavian social posturing and moderate physical violence. Some Assembly was required.
Shantelle McWilliams (34), from Lurgan in Co Armagh, set out last night for the back of the queue on the M1 to be first in the queue this morning for a Halibut Oggsandbacon modular pine-effect stacking system.
"I believe that we can go on shelving things forever," she said.
Rupert English (29), from Holywood, Co Down, has his heart set on a Sekure Ocrat wicker basket bathroom set with matching soft soap holder. "I need somewhere to hide my dirty laundry," he said.
Ian and Martin, a same-sex couple from Belfast, have their eyes on a Bjorn Tchukilbruther fold-down sofa-futon with optional his-and-his flowery cushions. "We want to get into bed with each other and still keep our seats."
Considerable interest was evident from South of the Border, where a planned Ikea store on the M50 has been delayed by all the unplanned stores on the M50.
Bertie Ahern (57), an experienced decorator from Dublin, was said to be heading North to look for new open-plan living ideas. "I want to create the impression of two rooms merging into one without having to do anything structural," he explained.
Ikea's arrival in Northern Ireland has been welcomed across the whole political spectrum, especially the soft pastel end. Republicans believe it will demonstrate that most things which are put together are destined to fall apart. Unionists believe it will demonstrate that most things can go well with a nice border.
Everyone else believes it will demonstrate that the North has become quite sophisticated, preferably without demonstrating the desperate parochialism behind this belief. "We've got an Ikea and you don't!" one Ballymena shopper told the The Irish Times yesterday. "Celtic Tiger my arse."
Privately, insecurity experts hope that Ikea's arrival heralds the final decommissioning of leather suites, mirrored wardrobes and other disturbing features of the North's domestic landscape. "The decision to dump armchairs will be particularly significant," an NIO source confirmed.
Preparations for yesterday's opening had been going on behind the scenes for some time. Secret talks began late last year to discuss splitting Ikea's single design philosophy into two separate but identical design philosophies.
The main sticking point was delivery, specifically on evenings and weekends. Hardliners were eventually persuaded by the soft lines of a Smorgasbord fitted kitchen with a built-in appliances.
In September, Ikea sent out a colourful brochure to every home in the North entitled: "Wouldn't it be great if it looked like this all the time?" This was followed by an advertising campaign which very carefully avoided any mention of Stockholm syndrome.
Surveying the new Belfast store, which is the size of six football pitches or four GAA pitches depending on your design philosophy, Ikea area manager Alan Key hoped his successful opening day signalled the shape of things to come. "All I want is for the people of Northern Ireland to come through our doors, see the wonderful things on offer and think to themselves 'A-ha!'," he said. "Although, of course, A-Ha are actually from Norway."