Newton's Optic: In which Newton Emerson finds the diary of a long journey. . .
Day 1: Farc headquarters
Finally, we've been given the all-clear to return home. According to our hosts, there are two ways to leave Colombia undetected. Either we spend a month hacking through the jungle or we wrap ourselves in a condom and insert ourselves.
Day 24: The jungle
Perhaps we should have given option two more serious consideration. "Don't think of it as hacking through the jungle," says our guide. "Think of it as eco-tourism." Eco-tourism? Does he take us for complete idiots?
Day 32: Puerto Ayacucho, Venezuela
Friendly territory at last. We can count on the sympathy of the Venezuelans after the disgraceful American attempt to overthrow their democratically elected left-wing government. Violence should only be used to overthrow democratically elected right-wing governments.
Day 34: Port of Caracas
We have been granted safe passage on the nationalised supertanker Eksun Chavez, which carries oil to Cuba in exchange for sugar. Interestingly, mixing oil and sugar in exactly the right proportions and applying an electrical charge . . . but we can't tell them that. We've sold the Latin-American rights already.
Day 39: Havana, Cuba
Our first relaxed shower since going to prison. There's nothing quite like a night in the Karl Marx Hotel (presidential suite) to make you appreciate the benefits of socialism. Thank God we brought dollars. Also made a quick phone call to Caitríona to not tell her where we are.
Day 42: Palestinian airspace
En route to Tehran with AyatollahJet, the world's only Sharia-law budget airline. Can't say the stewardesses are much to look at.
Day 43: Isfahan Peaceful Power Station, Iran
The Iranian authorities are smuggling us out to Libya inside a lorry-load of nuclear reactor components. "Isn't there a risk of contamination?" we asked our contact. "Yes," he said. "That's why we're smuggling you out to Libya."
Day 52: Allah-B-Praised 24-hour truck stop, Sudan
We've had to take a detour around Egypt after the radio reported suspicious movements of uranium, plutonium and carbon. I blame elements in the media.
Day 58: Al Kufrah Oasis, Libya
Our Libyan contact told us we should leave the country immediately as Col Gadafy has promised Tony Blair he will have no further involvement in terrorism. After all this time, it felt good to laugh again.
Day 63: Muammar Alpha Platform, Gulf of Sidra
Thanks to the kind loan of some oil exploration equipment, we have commenced our escape tunnel to the Basque country.
The guys have named the drill Mary Lou. Once it starts spinning, we'll simply bore our way to Europe.
Day 77: Beneath Gibraltar
We've run into an inexplicably stubborn obstacle. We've tried blasting it and undermining it but it absolutely refuses to budge. I suppose we'll just have to find some way to work around it.
Day 85: ETA safe house, Santander
We're having terrible communication problems with our hosts. For some reason they all think we speak Irish. Also, for some reason, they're all pretending they don't speak Spanish.
Day 89: Bay of Biscay
Into the home stretch now, on board the Cabhlach na hÉireann trawler Anita Ran. We pass the time by taking turns at the helm, or 'Ferris Wheel', to use the correct nautical term.
Day 93: Mizen Head
Ireland sighted! But is it safe to land? We've radioed ahead to the Centre for Public Inquiry to check that standards in public life have not slipped below acceptable levels.
Day 94: Secret location (Castletownbere)
It's so good to touch the green, green grass of home. Low lie the fields of Athenry. We should be so lucky.
Lucky, lucky, lucky. Yes, we've passed through many dangers on our journey home.
But now we are in no danger. No danger at all.