Sir. I have to admit that some of the mammies and I scoffed at first when we heard of proposals to pay stay at home mothers a state pittance (as it would have to be). Thoughts of opportunistic, denigratory, token gestures passed through our heads. However, on reflection, I've come up with the idea of putting the whole thing on a more commercial footing, the knock on effect of which would be truly stupendous for society.
What I propose would be to apply simple supply and demand economics to the situation. All stay at home mothers could be given that pittance as a basic flat rate of pay. Thereafter, though, a bonus system would be brought into play. This would be payable when the end result of the worker's efforts was clear say, when the child could reasonably be said to be launched in life. Those producing successful and responsible adults such as doctors or entrepreneurs could be given a tiptop bonus (although some of that would need to be adjusted if the salary of the adult child was already heavily subsidised by the State - in the case of an RTE employee, for instance). Parents of jailbirds and other less socially productive children would end up owing a large rebate to the State.
My proposal could also look long term when a shortage in one profession or another might be envisaged by a panel of experts (thus creating commercial openings for even more experts than we have already). For example, had this system been in place 20 years ago, mothers could have been encouraged to direct their children towards careers as clean shaven teachers who were not Labour Party members, or sincere politicians with a passionately held, unselfish vision for the future of our country. Successful mothers could then be rewarded with a handsome bonus. Perhaps public presentations could be made (more new opportunities for PR people).
It's a simple idea, but in this way there would be wonderful motivation to toss out The Right Stuff, as it were. Conversely, when things go wrong in society, we could all know that slothful and low powered mothers would be totally accountable, and indeed, identifiable. Lists of the worst ones could be published by the Government Information Service.
I foresee a world teeming with new opportunities for piano teachers, pony riding instructors, infant computer courses and prenatal lessons in Japanese as financially driven mammies would devote themselves to producing prodigies. (All fees incurred would of course be reclaimable in a retrospective, indexlinked payment upon production of a successful adult.)
I feel confident that with only a small push from your readership, one of the big parties will take this on as policy. I would, obviously, be quite prepared to auction my copyright to the highest bidder. Yours, etc.,
Ballsbridge,
Dublin 4.