THANK GOD for junk mail. It can really make your day. I didn't know that American Family Publishers from Tampa, Florida had been looking for me.
The huge print in their letter jumped out: "Joseph Carroll we've been searching for you ... You've just been positively identified as our $11 million mystery millionaire from Maryland."
Ed McMahon and Dick Clark of Family Publishers smiled out from their parchment to proclaim: "It's final we can announce that Joseph Carroll of Bethesda is the new eleven million dollar winner."
The letter went on: "Dear Mr Carroll: `Thank goodness we've finally found you. You have just been identified as the $11 million mystery winner from Bethesda' is what we'll say if you have and return the winning number along with a prize claim token".
Oh, so that's what they'll say when I return the winning number. That should be easy enough.
There are pictures of other lucky people who have won $10 million, like David Brumbalow from Los Angeles and Marjorie Godzik from Syracuse, New York. Gustav Kirleis of Indianapolis only won a million but he's still smiling.
All I have to do is "affix" a token to an order card and put it in an orange Priority Return Envelope. And there are also 45,000 more prizes "that absolutely must be given away".
Then another letter arrives with the envelope saying: "A remarkable new book is about to be published - and YOU Joseph Carroll are in it." This is too much. These wonderful Americans are making me a multi millionaire and writing books about me.
Well, it's not just about me. The book is called The World Book of Carrolls and it's about the "68,015 households bearing the Carroll name worldwide".
The interesting part is that these people in Bath, Ohio - have done terrific research and found that the first Carroll who came to Maryland was in 1638 and his name was Christopher. "Like thousands of others, he sought a better life for himself in this land of opportunity."
Christopher, I am told, "may be the sole reason you live here today". I had thought it was because The Irish Times sent me but I like to think that old Christopher got here first and arranged things.
This book "may help you determine if Christopher is the connection to your old world roots", Ms Sharon Taylor says in her letter. And if I'm not satisfied with the book I can return my copy for "an immediate and unquestioned refund of the purchase price" of $34.50 plus $4.88 postage and handling.
There is a puzzling note with this "money back if not satisfied" promise. It says in small print: "No direct genealogical connection to your family or to your ancestry is implied or intended."
Where does that leave Christopher? Does this mean he may not be my ancestor? I'll have to get the book to find out.
Actually, Maryland is full of Carrolls. There are even places called Carrollton from whence came Charles who signed the Declaration of Independence.
We're so well known, how, did it take Ed McMahon and Dick Clark so long to find me to hand over the $11 million?
Which reminds me, there is a bit of scratching to be done to reveal my "cash prize eligibility level". Is it going to be $11 million, $10 million or $1 million?
It's $11 million actually. My mystery millionaire prize claim token is duly affixed, as is my millionaire search entry label, as is my status activated last stage bar code. All Ed and Dick ask is to subscribe to two magazines at discount rates.
Playboy was tempting with 67 per cent off the cover price and two "sensational free extras sizzling with never before seen photos of famous Playmates". Or there was Christianity Today at 47 per cent off, or Veggie Life at 43 per cent off. I settled for Mien's Health and Creative Quilting (11 per cent of) for the artistic member of the family.
So now sit back and wait for the good times to roll. A healthy, quilt making family with $11 million in the bank.