Sir, - There appears to be a new device in existence. I don't know what it is called. I haven't seen it advertised anywhere. In fact I haven't even seen it. But I am sure that it does exist. The evidence is all around. Its function is to enable moving cars to be steered using only the driver's knees, thus leaving the hands free for other pursuits: a mobile phone in one hand and an ice cream, or a map, or a cigarette, in the other.
Yes, I've seen them all and a driver with (and I've kept sex out of this as long as I could) her non-mobile using hand (MUH for short) beeping the horn and then waving through the open sunroof as she sped past a strolling friend. I've even seen a male (I'm nothing if not fair) non-MUH lighting a cigarette.
Of course this device need not be for the exclusive use of mobile phone users. Women could apply their make-up while driving to work (could they possibly manage the mobile as well?). Men could use two hands to pick both nostrils simultaneously (do women's noses never itch?) The possibilities are endless.
Mind you, it will all end in tears. Five, 10 years down the road and the equivalent of today's seekers of compensation for various ailments will be the taxi-men and van drivers suing their employers for MUK (Mobile Users' Knee). And that age-old saying will be back in vogue: "Where there's MUK, there's brass." - Yours, etc.,
Stephen Downey, Connolly Square, Bray, Co Wicklow.