Madam, - If I ever have the misfortune to appear before a tribunal or court I will ask the judge to allow me to make a 15-minute statement before I answer any questions.
I will advise the court that I have always been virtuous in all my dealings in all matters and proceed to deny any and all allegations anyone might ever have made against me. My statement will helpfully answer all sorts of questions that the court might never have intended or remembered to ask, but which, in my view, it should ask, if only because I think I have some very good answers.
In this way I will be able to set the news agenda, distract attention from questions I might have some difficulty in answering, and remind the court that it should be careful about being seen to be persecuting someone as virtuous as I. I'm sure the judge will grant me every indulgence. - Yours, etc,
FRANK SCHNITTGER, Red Lane, Blessington, Co Wicklow.