Sir, - I read through Penelope Dening's article "Applying Science to the Art of Staying Together" (The Irish Times, December 3rd) several times to convince myself that what I read was really "real". Us women, you know, are prone to "delusion" so I wanted to make a concerted effort to grasp the key points in her piece, or more specifically, in the work she discussed. I'm assuming that Ms Dening is giving us a fair appraisal of this.
She talks with John Gottman, whose recently published book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (Bloomsbury, 1997) is, she explains, more than a product of the "read-this-and-change-your-life school of American publishing. This is open to question as the obvious insights about the importance of friendship and good communication between partners are hardly new, much less challenging discoveries. They sound, in other words, much like that school of thought.
However, it is the basic, and I need hardly say, embarrassingly outdated assumptions about women in Mr Gottman's work that I take particular exception to. The definition of successful marriages provided is "where emotionally intelligent" husbands are "making maps for their wives' psychological world". I ask the reader to think about this statement. It translates, in my opinion, as follows: men must de-rationalise in order to understand their emotive wives (who can't understand themselves apparently). We get specific examples of how these men can practice their emotional intelligence. They begin to "know what their wives are concerned about", he tells us. But, unfortunately, he doesn't think that women's concerns relate to the public sphere. That would be far too modern, let alone post-modern, for the good Dr Gottman. These men just about manage to know "the names of their wives' friends, they know the people in their wives' lives who are pains in the neck".
Maybe the problems with his "thesis" (and I'm being generous giving it that title) are caused by the informants he chose, one of whom offered the following revelation about the working of a "successful" relationship. He "figured out one day that even though it's as much work for me to put the toilet seat down as it was for her, if I do it I win an enormous amount of points in the marriage". I joke you not, reader. This all leads Mr Gottman to the conclusion that if the biggest problem between men and women in marriage is that "she doesn't get enough help with the housework; he doesn't get enough sex", then all he needs to do to rectify this situation is to help her with the household chores and show some respect for her "dreams". I note, he doesn't elaborate on the "sex" factor.
I offer some "simple" truths which might embellish Mr Gottman's research. Women have a lot more on their minds today than whether or not their husbands know the names of their friends; the position of the toilet seat in their homes; or the nature of their "dreams". Instead they are struggling for equality in the workplace; equality in the home; and the realisation of their multiple goals and desires in society. What they do not need is to have to waste precious time educating their emotional-intelligent husbands about the very practical concerns they face on the eve of the 21st century.
If I had a husband I would not want him to buy this book. If I met "a husband" who had, I'd only have to ask his comments to judge his politics and his intellect. - Yours, etc.,
Templemore, Co Tipperary.