THE DÁIL Sketch has been a staple of The Irish Timesfor 40-odd years, putting its own sometimes idiosyncratic structure on the sometimes even more idiosyncratic doings of TDs. On this day in 1985, then taoiseach Garret FitzGerald was on his way home from an unusually long, 14-day visit to the US and Alan Dukes, the Fine Gael minister for finance and serious smoker was moving his Finance Bill through the Dáil. This is what Maev Kennedy made of the day's business.
THE DÁIL Daily Shock Horror Missing Taoiseach – Fresh Allegations – Row has now degenerated into a rudimentary form, like those little fused bones at the end of the spine that remind us of our happy past swinging by our tails from the trees. “Any sign of him?” inquired Charles J. [Haughey]. And that was that.
Four different ministers solemnly hopped up to propose that we will take the Electoral Amendment Bill, the Children Care and Protection Bill, the Designated Investment Funds Bill, and the Dublin Transport Authority Bill all “next Tuesday afternoon subject to agreement between the Whips”.
“At least they’ll keep busy,” murmured Charles J.
And so on, on, to the Finance Bill, and the very, very rare treat of a speech from John Francis Conlon .
“Good man!” said Michael O’Kennedy , “there’s evidence on the spot!”
Michael O’Kennedy was no wanton obstructionist. He wasn’t against the increased charges on tobacco. “Ceann Comhairle, if the minister himself is prepared to pay the extra tobacco impositions that he has proposed in this Bill, who am I to oppose it?”
But he explained at great length why the minister should make beer and petrol cheaper.
“Reduce the price of beer in the interests of the customer, and certainly of the trade, and stop the cross border traffic.”
“And the rattling of cans in the boots of cars disturbing people’s sleep!” snapped John Wilson with feeling.
It wasn’t precisely that John F Conlon agreed with him, it was just that he had a constituent who used to sell 6,500 gallons of petrol a week, and now only sold 1,000 gallons.
“And he wouldn’t sell even the 1,000 gallons only they want a drop to get them across the border,” said John Wilson.
So, what John F Conlon wanted was a sliding rebate on petrol duty, that as he pointed out, wouldn’t make it worth his own while to drive 20 miles up the road. Fianna Fáil acclaimed him as a hero . . .
“The only one concrete proposal made this afternoon was from my colleague, Deputy John Francis Conlon,” began Alan Dukes.
“He was the only one who’s made a specific proposal . . .”
The Fianna Fáil howl began.
“That, I think, ceann comhairle says an awful lot to me as it bears out a great deal of what I have been saying about the opposition since December 1982 . . .”
The Fianna Fáil howl rose to a crescendo.
“They just don’t seem to be up to the job.”
“Go away and bury your head,” roared John Wilson.
Alan Dukes murmured at him. John Wilson leaped to his feet.
“Since when did the Minister develop the medical expertise to diagnose that Deputy Wilson has leather lungs?” roared Deputy Wilson.
“Well, God bless them, they’re good anyway,” said the ceann comhairle soothingly.
“If Deputy Wilson has taken offence, of course I withdraw it,” smiled Deputy Dukes, as Deputy Wilson roared “I’m amazed at this polymath! This multi-disciplined person! This Renaissance man!”
Meanwhile, Michael O’Kennedy was trying to brace John F. Conlon for the shock.
“He’s only damming you with faint praise, he’s telling you you’re a nice fellow and then he’s going to reject your proposal anyway . . .”
To see this article in its original context go to: http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/archive/1985/0515/Pg005.html#Ar00502