Nice work if you can get it: Chelsea manager José Mourinho gets a pay rise and doesn't have to go to matches any more, writes John O'Farrell.
It's been a tough week for Chelsea manager José Mourinho. His pay has been increased to £5.2 million and he doesn't have to go to matches any more. That's the sort of job I was looking for when I left university. They just never seemed to come up when I flicked through the job ads.
His punishment from Uefa meant that during Wednesday's Champions League game he was not allowed on the touchline, or to talk to the players in the dressing room, or converse with Chelsea staff in any way. He was accused of secretly communicating a substitution, but by the time he had texted "Yves Makaba-Makalamby" the game was over.
Banning football managers from the dugout seems like a perverse sort of punishment. None of the players understands those hand signals anyway. Rolling your hands over one another - what is that supposed to mean? "Gather up some wool while you're in defence," maybe? Moving the palms of your hands away from each other and then back together again? "Pretend to be a seal"?
Most managers scream and shout their instructions from the side but not a word of it can be heard above the din of the crowd. American footballers actually have little speakers in their helmets and individual instructions are communicated to them by radio. "Um, throw the ball a long way!" "Er, run and jump on one of the other players - sorry, I don't really understand this game at all." And then of course the interference from another signal cuts in and the quarterback drives a taxi round to 87 Clarence Avenue to take them to the station.
The Chelsea boss was forced to watch his club's biggest game in years on the telly, which made for a very tense evening in the Mourinho household. "I'm sorry," said his wife, "but I'm watching Grand Designs Revisited; you said you'd be out this evening."
"But it's the quarter-final of the Champions League."
"Well, you can record it. . ."
"No, not since we got cable; you can't watch one channel and tape another any more."
As well as the two-game ban, Mourinho will now have to find a £9,000 fine out of his £5.2 million salary. That'll make him think twice. His massive hike in wages is actually a direct result of his spat with Uefa.
Having behaved badly, Mourinho indicated that he was dissatisfied with the support he'd had from his directors, so they immediately upped his pay by £1 million a year. It was going to be half a million but they forgot the biscuits to go with the coffee and he frowned for a split second.
Some have suggested that this salary might be slightly too high for the bloke who just picks the team. I have myself managed a football team, so I know the pressure that Mourinho has to endure. Gudjohnsen's mum angrily demanding why he isn't in the starting line-up; Makelele bursting into tears because the ball was kicked at him too hard; three of the players forgetting their boots and having to play in their school shoes - it's a very tough job.
But you have to wonder if Chelsea's billions haven't completely distorted the English game. In the old days our football stars played for the love of the sport, got crippled by one crunching tackle and lived out the rest of their lives in abject poverty with arthritis and a drink problem.
Marvellous. But today the ludicrous wealth of the premiership's runaway leaders looks set to remove any element of competition. Next season they're ending any pretence and arranging the league table according to share value, like the FTSE index. If Delia Smith can write another hit cookery book, Norwich will be straight back into the top flight. But Abramovich can buy all the best players and hire the best manager and even afford spare printer cartridges for the office. You'd think, with all that money, he could afford a razor, wouldn't you?
And having bought the best team and coach, would it not be possible to purchase a better class of supporter, delightful though it was to be gobbed on by those Chelsea fans in the tier above us last time I sat in the away seats? We've been used to the top clubs being wealthy, but Chelsea's chairman is simply too rich. As I said to my friends as we watched the game on Wednesday: "Football has become a paradigm of the injustice inherent in capitalism in as much as - OH WOW, WHAT A GOAL! LAMPARD IS WORLD CLASS!!!"
As it turned out, Chelsea thrashed Bayern Munich and played even better with Mourinho absent than they did when he was there. José's agent was straight on the phone: "Either my client gets another £10 million or he turns up to training on Monday..."
John O'Farrell is a Guardian columnist