Newton's Optic: Newton Emerson joins the North's K2 expedition as it makes an attempt to conquer both sides of the same face
10,000ft
Nepal at last! Mountain kingdom of mystical magical mystery and so on. Unfortunately, conditions inside the Kathmandu Ritz hint at the hardships to come.
The jacuzzi in the gym closes at 9pm and the television in my room doesn't have UKTV Gold. Still, onwards and upwards.
11,000ft
After an arduous taxi ride to base camp we are introduced to our chief porter, Sherpa Lerpa, and his 18 identical brothers who apparently also have names.
I am immediately filled with a profound respect for their mystical magical mysticism and so on. And to think that if it wasn't for us, they'd all still be working in the chocolate factory.
12,000ft
Following a simple breakfast of quail's eggs on Kendall Mint Cake we harness the Sherpas to the front of the expedition caravan and commence our ascent. K2 towers above us like a forbidding mistress, only clad in white snow rather than black leather.
"Are the slopes dangerous?" I ask Sherpa Lerpa.
"Oh yes," he replies. "They've already invaded Tibet."
13,000ft
In the Himalayas the weather can change in an instant, although I realise that Irish Times readers may find this difficult to believe. Fortunately, the whole team is wearing state-of-the-art infused polymer Al Gore-Tex jackets with ASBO-exempted hoods and gloves that never come off.
However, the porters are starting to look uncomfortable in their T-shirts. "Fruit of the Loom," complains Sherpa Lerpa. "Who makes this stuff?"
14,000ft
Six of the Sherpas have frozen solid overnight, so we will have to abandon the caravan here and use the solar-powered self-inflating triple-layered carbon fibre marquee. It is a serious setback, but we are determined to carry on.
After all, we're hardly the first mountaineers to lose a tow to frostbite.
15,000ft
The expedition stops to acclimatise at Lama-Java, the world's highest monastery and coffee shop. As we approach the mysteriously magical mystical building, I ask Sherpa Lerpa to translate the Sanskrit inscription carved above its ancient gatehouse.
"E-mail your feature article from here", he whispers respectfully.
16,000ft
The entire team is struck down with altitude sickness and has to be carried back to base camp, given a nice cup of tea, then carried up again. Still, it seems that everyone is suffering. Sherpa Lerpa says he has terrible crampons.
17,000ft
Half our remaining porters have quit to join the Nepalese anti-monarchist insurgency.
"Is that an Islamic militia?" I ask Sherpa Lerpa.
"No," he replies. "You can't bring Mohammed to the mountain."
18,000ft
We arrive at upper base camp where we are joined by professional mountaineering teams from the Daily Telegraph, the Guardian, the Limerick Leader and Mervyn's Bait and Tackle Shop, Pensacola. Also passing through on her descent is Mrs Tokimori Yakasumi, the first 87-year-old blind Japanese woman to have climbed Everest without oxygen or shoes. She welcomes us with a traditional Nepali greeting.
"I will e-mail your feature article from the monastery," translates Sherpa Lerpa respectfully.
19,000ft
We tackle our final ascent in stages. This involves going as far as you can, taking a deep breath, descending again, having a little sit down, then retracing your footsteps while trying to go a bit further. The Northern Ireland team finds this surprisingly easy.
20,000ft
We have reached the infamous dead zone. This is the altitude at which the air is so thin that you can't outrun a glacier.
21,000ft
Our last six porters have been run over by a glacier.
22,000ft
A sudden blizzard traps us in the marquee for three weeks. We use the time to discuss the new philosophy of climbing, the ethics of its environmental impact, the effect of its emergent principles on wider society, and pretty much anything else we can think of that stops us wondering what the hell we're doing here.
23,000ft
Mrs Tokimori Yakasumi passes us on a unicycle with a watermelon balanced on her head. She is wearing shoes though.
24,000ft
The top at last! Or so I think until we came over the ridge, only to see another peak rising in the distance.
"More bloody summits!" laughs Sherpa Lerpa as I collapse in the snow. But lying here, numb and exhausted with a mountain still to climb, I sense a strange kind of peace settling over me.
Finally, K2 feels like home.