What's a garda to do these days, speculates Newton Emerson, now that Michael McDowell has them so effectively gagged?
This was turning into the worst press conference of Inspector Bill Mason's career. Once he secretly enjoyed these little dramas, savouring their gritty glamour.
The kudos didn't go amiss either - there was no better way to stamp your name on a case and really no other way to get noticed in Dundalk at all. But then Michael McDowell put that ridiculous clause in the Garda Síochána Bill and ruined it for everybody.
The inspector glanced down at the dark wood-effect Formica table where a copy of Article 55, Subsection 2, paragraph (k) had been placed for his reference. "Gardaí shall not disclose information which affects adversely the relations of the Government with any political party, group or institution in Northern Ireland or the Government's ability to promote agreement, advance the peace process or engage in negotiations with regard to Northern Ireland."
Transgression was punishable by up to seven years in jail. So how was he supposed to answer questions about this morning's incident?
"Inspector Mason!" shouted one of the journalists. "Can you confirm that the two men driving the lorry were loyalists?"
Well, at least he could get around that one without telling an outright lie. "That is not the case," he replied.
"So only one of them was a loyalist?" asked another.
Damn - rumbled. "One of the men has been charged with membership of a proscribed organisation," he replied. "The other has been released."
"Is it true that the other man has been released into PSNI custody?" came a further voice from the floor.
"You'll have to ask my Northern colleagues about that," mumbled the inspector, realising that this particular part of the game was up.
The PSNI agent had permission to operate in the Republic but getting caught in UVF company would still lead to damaging accusations against his "institution".
Paragraph (k) applied. The journalists changed tack. "What was in the lorry?" one asked.
"The lorry was carrying 15,000 cases of counterfeit Regal King Size cigarettes of eastern European origin," answered the inspector, trying to put in as many irrelevant details as possible. But to no avail.
"Were they destined for an illegal IRA smoking club on the Border?" was the next inevitable question.
This was Michael McDowell's fault as well, mused the inspector glumly, as a dozen flashbulbs warmed his face like a guilty blush. If McDowell hadn't banned smoking then the illegal IRA clubs wouldn't exist.
But no garda could confirm their existence without contravening paragraph (k). Viewed from a sufficient distance, the Justice Minister's stupidity actually seemed quite clever.
"What about the occupants of the other vehicle?" interrupted a female voice from the back of the room. Panic suddenly gripped the inspector - how on earth had she found out about the SAS unit?
He'd warned them not to evacuate by helicopter but they'd assured him it had an Irish Air Corps livery. Some bloody planespotter must have seen it, realised that the Air Corps didn't have any working helicopters, and put two and two together.
He was going to have to think fast to get out of this one.
"Four men in a white Vauxhall Cavalier were stopped and questioned near the scene," replied the inspector at last, pausing to weigh each word.
"What were they stopped for?" came the next question immediately.
"Driving too close to the vehicle in front," the inspector snapped back, smiling at his own ingenuity.
But the journalists began to laugh.
"Is it true," asked another, "that the four men were listening to U2 at the time?"
Thanks only to his long experience of dealing with the press the inspector recognised this as a trick question. He scanned paragraph (k) again quickly.
Yes, U2 were definitely a group involved in the Northern Ireland peace process. But as he dismissed the question the atmosphere became noticeably hostile.
Inappropriate language could clearly be heard.
Mobile phones were used without permission. Somebody even lit up a cigarette in what was, technically, a workplace.
"So let me get this straight," barked a man with a microphone as the pandemonium subsided.
"You caught four undercover British soldiers in an unmarked car listening to U2 while tailing a loyalist and a PSNI informer driving a lorry through Dundalk delivering smuggled counterfeit cigarettes from the Russian mafia to the IRA - and you can't confirm any of it?"
"No comment!" replied the inspector, as paragraph 55 crumpled in his clenching fists. What else could he say? After all, he had to respect the rule of law.
Newton Emerson is editor of the satirical website portadownnews.com