NEWTON'S OPTIC:DEAREST SIR or Madam, I know you will be surprised to hear from me in the manner of this uninvited correspondence.
First, may I be allowed to introduce myself. I am Mr Barack Moses Hussein Obama, Senior Manager of the United States Washington Branch, and I wish to approach you on a subject that I believe will be of immense benefit to us both.
Before we proceed, I must solicit your strictest confidence in our transaction by virtue of it being utterly private.
Some days ago, a Nigerian millionaire was deposited in my possession from a banker in Lagos, via Togo, London, Dallas and Amsterdam. This was arranged by an international donor with a large fortune who lives simply in a mountain cave.
It is my sincere hope to invest this asset in pursuing additional contracts. However, upon consultation with my Credit Investigation Auditors I have learned to my vexation that the first deposit has not yet reached maturity and may never be fully convertible. There will thus be great difficulty with cashing him in to his full value.
This sorry state of affairs could be rectified if he was transferred to another country where assets are more easily liquidated, and held in a safety deposit box for several years. Unfortunately, by nature of my position as a civil servant, such a transfer cannot be made in my name.
You should note this request for assistance is occasioned because the asset is foreign, so under the regulations of my country anything that happens to him abroad is of no interest whatsoever. However, while he is in your country you may use him to generate as much interest as your own regulations allow.
I have permission from my partners to propose that we share everything of interest according to the formula of 100 per cent for me and the remainder for you.
If you are agreeable to this arrangement, please provide me with your name, age, nationality, phone number, bank account details, which you may send to the internet cafe address above. Expect a delivery marked “Cheney Airlines, Langley, Virginia”. After this, do not contact me directly again.