Newton's Optic: In which Northern Prod Newton Emerson, who could never fathom the GAA, hurls from the ditch.
The GAA was thrown into chaos last night when six Ulster counties seceded from it. The rebel counties, which all voted against the abolition of Rule 42, have now set up a separate association. This will be officially referred to as "Northern GAA", informally referred to as "The North of GAA" and widely referred to as "The Preoccupied Six".
The new association, which will play by the old rules in a league of its own, has adopted an unwritten constitution under a hereditary council.
Its home ground will be at Crossmaglen to take advantage of the stadium's excellent air transport facilities.
It all seemed to be going so well for the GAA, as this article would have begun had it been written for the sports section. Under Rule 42 Gaelic pitches could not be used for foreign games except games from foreign countries except Britain. When a motion to abolish Rule 42 was first proposed, objectors pointed out that this would also require amendments to Rules 3, 4 and 5 which deal with the association's aims and objectives, plus Rules 43 and 44 which cover ownership of grounds.
"If we change one rule then we'll have to change other rules so we can't change any rules," warned one well-known right throwback.
However, this argument was eventually overcome by acknowledging that it was complete nonsense.
Objectors then explained that motions in committee require approval at convention before decisions in council after rulings by congress and vice versa in sequence unless out of order.
The problem was finally resolved when a clear majority of members indicated they didn't understand it.
The objectors did manage to secure a secret ballot on the motion but this backfired on the Ulster delegates when everyone else suddenly lost all fear of them.
Welcoming the vote in favour of the motion, GAA president Seán Kelly said: "This was perhaps the most generous, the most liberal decision ever taken in the history of the world by any business or sporting body hoping to charge €2 million a day for the use of a publicly-subsidised facility."
Representatives from the worlds of soccer and rugby also gave the news a diplomatically understated welcome.
"We look forward to stealing the souls of your children one by one and mingling their pure Celtic blood with the spawn of the mongrel oppressor," said an IRFU spokesman yesterday.
These sentiments were not shared by delegates from Antrim, Armagh, Derry, Down, Fermanagh and Tyrone.
"First it was Rule 21, now it's Rule 42. At this rate it'll be Rule 84 next," said one serial scorekeeper.
"This is the thin end of the wedge," said a thick man on a slippery slope.
"We are fed up being accused of bigotry by Protestants in the media," added three dozen callers to RTÉ's Liveline in remarkably quick succession.
In an attempt to calm the situation GAA Central Council issued a statement yesterday clearly intended to appeal to Northern delegates.
"The playing of foreign games except games from foreign countries except Britain will only be permitted at Croke Park for a few short years," explained a chief negotiator.
"Rule 42 has not really gone away, you know. It is simply on cessation."
Soccer and rugby officials assured the Ulster counties that they had no intention of exploiting the growing tensions.
"We will slowly retake every sacred inch of your precious turf then let our wheezing bulldogs foul it before your helpless gaze while we whistle Rule Britannia," said an IRFU spokesman yesterday.
Taoiseach Bertie Ahern also moved to clarify the Government's position.
"At every stage of the development, approval and financing of Croke Park and Lansdowne Road I have consistently supported and opposed both sides," said Mr Ahern. "I believe that my approach offers a way out for everyone."
However, this succession of cessations was not enough to prevent the secession.
Northern GAA, which will be exclusively based in the north-east apart from one old man in a pub in Cork, says its aim is to preserve the unifying ideals of "the original majority" by "creating a space" in which it still is the majority.
Asked about the fate of the minority within that space, a spokesman said: "Leave hurling out of this."
Meanwhile, across the rest of Ireland, progressive GAA members are hopeful that the abolition of Rule 42 will foster a new spirit of trust and understanding among Irish people of all traditions.
"Croke what?" asked an Ulster Unionist yesterday.
Newton Emerson is editor of the satirical website portadownnews.com