Newton's Optic:With property prices in Ireland stalling, Newton Emersonclosely examines one eastern European country that is nothing to balk at.
As the local housing market cools, it's becoming increasingly difficult to make a fortune with no productive effort whatsoever. That's why more and more Irish people are looking east to Macegovnia, where capitalist dreams meet socialist prices.
Macegovnia comprises former parts of Transylvania, Transdniestra and Transmuraland, which claimed independence last year under the slogan "More Power to the Trans-Formers".
Nestled smugly between the Black Sea and the black market, Macegovnia is famed for its dramatic coastline, rugged mountains, ancient forests and so on. Cultural life centres around the capital city of Lbjczhpgvnk, founded painfully by the Catheters in 1148. Its sandy beaches support Europe's liveliest cement factory, while excellent skiing is just a short flight to Austria away.
"People who enjoy golf will particularly deserve to live here," says local property consultant Esau Yukomin. His company offers a range of services to overseas buyers seeking a solid return on their investment.
"Foreigners are not strictly allowed to own property in Macegovnia," Esau explains. "However, they are allowed to invest in a company which we will set up to acquire their property.
"Foreigners are then allowed to pay that company's taxes, including property tax on the house they don't strictly own, plus capital gains tax, company registration tax and overseas investment tax.
"All this is explained in our helpful brochure, price 40,000 dingzluts (plus tax)."
Despite their fearsome reputation for bureaucracy, Esau insists that Macegovnians are keen to do business with Irish investors.
"Over the past two years many of my compatriots have travelled to Ireland under the EU's 'Just Say You're Polish' migrant worker programme," he says.
"They have returned with stories of a friendly and prosperous people who will spend billions of dingzluts on a small house in the middle of nowhere that stands empty for most of the year. That is also our vision for Macegovnia."
Most properties on offer in the region are apartments, as houses were generally divided up during the Soviet Union's notoriously half-hearted ground-floor occupation. Esau advises buying apartments on a time-share basis as this offers the best legal safeguard for overseas investors.
"The law on time-share is quite advanced," he explains. "Before independence, all apartments in Macegovnia were toilet-share. Our new government simply replaced 'toilet' with 'time'. Please note that this does not mean we have replaced the toilets." One particular innovation in the Macegovnian time-share sector is its family-friendly approach.
"You must make friends with the family who lives in your apartment while you are away," Esau explains. "Otherwise, they might be angry when you arrive. Try to give one week's notice so that they can stay with relatives - especially if they have chickens, or if the relatives do not have chickens. Friends will tell each other such things."
However, investors should not be put off by this colourful aspect of the Macegovnian property market. "Do not think of yourself as a rich foreigner who kicks people out of their homes whenever he feels like it," Esau says. "Think of yourself as a landlord, who is absent.
"That is what the Irish have always wanted. No?"