Newton's Optic: St Dermot of the Apocalypse has been hired by Kofi Annan for a very special job, writes Newton Emerson.
In a tribute to Ireland's long commitment to everlasting peace, Minister for Foreign Affairs Dermot Ahern has been selected as one of four special envoys heralding the arrival of paradise on earth.
The appointment was announced yesterday by United Nations general secretary Kofi Annan, who paid tribute to the Minister's determination to scythe through UN bureaucracy.
"Over the past few years Dermot has become like a son to me," said Mr Annan. "So obviously I had to give him a job."
The other three envoys are former king of Mexico Mr Ernest Peccadillo, former Bique of Mozam Mr Mszbszb Chessboard, and former editor of the Sunday Indonesia Mr Ali Atlas.
In 1995 Mr Atlas described a comment by the then Irish foreign minister Dick Spring as "tantamount to a declaration of war" during a UN debate on East Timor.
However, the Government has moved quickly to defuse any lingering tensions over the incident.
"That has all been completely forgotten about, along with Dick Spring and indeed East Timor," explained a spokesman yesterday.
Each envoy has been assigned a specific area of international policy concern to address on a global basis. These are: conflict, nutrition, healthcare and life expectancy. The four messengers will be expected to travel together extensively, either by £50,000 Range Rover or by horse depending on whether they have been paid in oil or food.
Due to his experience with the Northern Ireland peace process Mr Ahern has been given the conflict portfolio. Speaking to reporters yesterday the Minister expressed surprise and rapture at his sudden elevation. "This testament to my judgment has come as quite a revelation," he said. "I just can't wait to get in the saddle."
The decision to send out four special envoys follows a lengthy period of tribulation at the world governing body. United Nations staff have been accused of whoring in Babylon, thieving in the night and making false profits.
Although Mr Annan has denounced a number of these allegations as "beastly", there is little doubt that faith in him has fallen to an all-time low.
To resurrect his reputation, the secretary general has summoned a host of high-flyers to explain his new vision. That vision is widely believed to involve a seven-headed security council, or possibly a 10-headed security council, or maybe a 12-headed security council, depending on how you interpret it.
Administration will also be reduced to just 12 chosen departments, each employing 12,000 people for all eternity in a building of solid gold.
But even this radical move may not be enough to satisfy the Americans. "We're not coming second behind anyone," warned a White House spokesman yesterday.
Mr Ahern foresees his role as being "the eyes, ears and horns" of the secretary general as he attempts to lead humanity into the third and final millennium. "I hope to be a sort of honest broker," said the Minister, although he did not specify which sort, who might be broke or why it was necessary to say "honest".
Among the conflicts Mr Ahern will be called upon to honestly broker are a final settlement in Israel which he admits "will involve moving heaven and earth" and specifically the future of Jerusalem which he concedes is "a bit up in the air". "I will do my very best," added the Minister yesterday. "Still if something goes wrong, it's not the end of the world, is it?"
In the final battle for the UN, Kofi Annan clearly places Ireland on the side of the angels.
"At diplomatic functions you really do punch above your weight," he told The Irish Times recently. "This is quite unlike earlier years, when your diplomats simply waited by the punch."
Among lesser mortals the selection of an Irish statesman to serve at the right hand of the secretary general in these difficult times is already a source of much pride, envy and other sins. "That'll show those doom-mongers in the media!" said a Mr Geddon of Armagh yesterday.
Meanwhile, Mr Ahern is confident that he can continue to fulfil his duties as Minister for Foreign Affairs. "I'd a meeting in Brussels today with the seven or possibly 10 or maybe 12 heads of government," he told the audience at last night's Leviathan.
"Then I phoned the president of Greenland to thank him for sending Dublin Zoo a seventh seal. However, I assure you that the very last thing I'm planning to do is blow my own trumpet."
Dermot Ahern is the 666th person to attempt to reform the United Nations.
Newton Emerson is editor of the satirical website portadownnews.com