Newton's Optic:Loyalist terror group the UDA has announced that it will regulate itself via the newly-formed UDA Society, writes Newton Emerson
Concerns were expressed over the UDA's accountability after it emerged that several members owned houses they couldn't possibly afford. Bank managers had also advanced money to the UDA at unusual rates of interest.
"They were unusually interested in giving us the money after we kidnapped their families," spokesman Billy Shootspatrick explained.
Mr Shootspatrick rejects accusations that the new arrangement would amount to self-regulation. "We prefer the term 'co-regulation' because our commanding officers will decide who gets 'regulated'," he said.
"Demanding money with menaces involves complicated legal issues which require a professional background in lawlessness to fully understand. Of course, like any organisation, the UDA contains some bad apples but it is important to remember that most of us are just bad oranges."
The UDA Society denies that it will make loyalism a closed shop although it does not deny that loyalism makes shops close. It promises to set up rigorous complaints and disciplinary procedures to ensure that anyone who complains will be rigorously disciplined.
It will also establish a compensation fund using compensation payments from the Northern Ireland Prison Service.
One of the first challenges facing the UDA Society will be the question of decommissioning.
"If someone comes to us and says that one of our members is basically holding a gun to their head, our advice will be to pay the man and walk away," Mr Shootspatrick said. "We'll follow the case up with a couple of meetings over the next couple of years and keep the injured party informed via bullets through the post. So really there'll be no need to get anyone else involved."
Nevertheless, Mr Shootspatrick is keen to stress that the UDA Society will still work in partnership with other agencies.
"If someone isn't satisfied with our response they can go to the police or the Northern Ireland Office, where they'll get exactly the same response," he said. "But they'll also get a letter through the post warning them about the bullets through the post, which demonstrates our commitment to a comprehensive regulatory framework."
Mr Shootspatrick concedes that every member of the UDA is also a member of the UDA Society and vice versa. However, he believes that this can be adequately addressed through transparent procedural safeguards.
"The impartiality of the UDA Society will be based on the 'Chinese Wall' principle," he explained. "This will involve painting a UDA Society mural on the wall outside the Chinese. We'll also be changing our motto from Quis Separabit meaning 'Who Will Separate Us' to Separabit Per Penitus Officium Apparatii meaning 'We Are Separated by Internal Accountability Mechanisms'."
On Monday, the North's Independent Monitoring Commission confirmed the first clear signs of movement on this issue. "Senior UDA members were overheard in a Chinese takeaway asking about the width of the wall outside," a security source revealed. "They also asked the man behind the counter if he could spell English in Latin or if he just wrote in funny squiggles, like."
British and Irish officials welcomed the commission's report by writing the word "community" on an otherwise blank cheque.
The Irish Times asked Mr Shootspatrick if he felt that this amounted to extortion.
"Extortion?" he said.
"You'll have to speak to my solicitor about that."