Newton's Optic: Newton Emerson awaits a much-anticipated statement from the Abbey.
A long-awaited statement on the future of the Abbey Theatre is "imminent", according to theatrical sources.
The world-renowned cultural organisation has been under widespread pressure to disband due to confusion over a large sum of money and anger over a particularly brutal stab in the back. Critics say the Abbey has lost touch with the vast majority of Irish people and retains the ability to bomb without warning.
The Government has also asked the Abbey to leave the stage although there are signs that it may allow further play-acting behind the scenes.
In an attempt to make the theatre's workings more transparent, several members of its ruling Abbey council are believed to have already passed their parts on to understudies. However, this cannot be confirmed as all the members deny ever being members, although they have not denied that they are no longer members.
"Anyone confused by the self-referential subtext of this farce should go to the cinema instead," advised an Abbey spokesman.
Recent events mark the end of a dreadful centenary year for the normally accomplished performers. A national tour of Playboys of West Belfast is estimated to have cost the taxpayer €500 million despite considerable foreign interest. An extravagantly funded production of The Shinneraun also failed to draw the numbers predicted while a lengthy reinterpretation of Waiting for Gerry was described as "absurd".
"They can't even manage the simplest dialogue without prompting," one reviewer said. "They're in danger of turning a tragedy into a pantomime," said another. "I'd tell them to break a leg but they might take it literally."
With its reputation for well-rehearsed lines and tightly scripted choreography in tatters, confidence in the Abbey was further eroded when it emerged that nobody is entirely sure where all its money comes from and nobody has a clue where any of it goes.
"We do have some financial problems but it is important to remember that there is no suggestion of theft, fraud or dishonesty," explained an Abbey national chairperson. "As the sole legitimate theatre company of Ireland, nothing we do can be a crime. Except against art."
The Abbey is expected to announce shortly a complete cessation of backstage operations before permanently transferring its main cast of characters to the front lobby.
"This is a testing time for all those of us who have given our lives to this unique national institution," said an Abbey president- for-life. "We have been told to get rid of our most cherished props, forget our most celebrated acts and move on from our most famous roles. Everyone has been asked to help sell the programme."
The exact wording remains unknown at time of going to press but leading playwrights say it is unlikely to contain many surprises. "They'll start by thanking all their actors for every performance they've given down the years," one playwright said.
"They may acknowledge that a lot of people corpsed but they always blame that on problems with the set. They'll congratulate themselves at some length for noticing that the curtain has finally come down although they won't use the expression 'final curtain' as actors are very superstitious."
The Abbey is thought to have obtained several final concessions from the authorities including fewer spotlights, softer limelight and a significant reduction in troupe levels. It has also denied that its new guise will be little more than a one-man show.
"Everyone, actor or otherwise, has their own particular part to play," said a well-known Abbey spokesman. "Shakespeare wrote that you know. Didn't he?"