Newton's Optic Subprime mortgage:Loan on a decommissioned nuclear submarine converted into luxury waterfront apartments in Vladivostok.
Obliging debt collateralisation:Bundling several different types of debt together into a single package, then telling whoever buys it exactly what they want to hear.
Yen carry-out trade:Buying duty-free alcohol in a Japanese airport for anyone at home who might be interested.
Bond derivative:Finance for sequels to The Bourne Ultimatum.
Credit rating rating:Sophisticated secondary market in ratings of credit ratings.
Credit rating rating rating: Even more sophisticated tertiary market in ratings of credit ratings of credit ratings.
Guilts: Vatican Bank gilts.
Debentures:False teeth for people in debt.
Capital gain loss:Attracting business from New York by refusing to regulate your stock exchange in the wake of the Enron scandal, then getting your well-deserved come-uppance during the next scandal.
Cheap money:Money which seems cheap to you because you have so much of it.
Underlying economy:Lying while the economy goes under.
Short selling:Deliberately hiring a broker who is much shorter than everyone else on the trading floor so that your clients cannot dump their shares.
Spread betting:Investing your entire pension fund in a margarine company.
Swap futures:A brief yet poignant moment of unspoken empathy between a homeless person and a city trader.
Nicky 100 slump:100 blokes called Nicky passed out in a wine bar.
Central bank liquidity injection:Any liquid a central banker injects into himself after blowing half his country's foreign currency reserves attempting to delay the inevitable.
Spot shares:Shares owned by a dog.
Leverage beverage:A stiff drink to steady your nerves while borrowing money with borrowed money.
Risk diversification:Borrowing money from a bank to buy its own debt, some of which may include your own loan. (See also - Junk Bond, DotCom Bubble, Pyramid Scheme, One Born Every Minute).
Portfolio diversification:Making increasingly arcane investments to protect yourself from a crash caused by increasingly arcane investments.
Hang Seng:Aggressive mood in the Asian markets.
Automated trading programme: A computer system capable of moving enormous amounts of blame around the world.
Federal reserve:A reluctance to discuss the difference between the US discount rate and the US benchmark rate in social situations.
Goldman sacks:Mass layoffs at a merchant bank.
Stock cube:A small block of shares in hot water.
Exotic instruments:Didgeridoo, balalaika, hurdy-gurdy, mandocello, Appalachian dulcimer, bodhrán.
Private equity:Trade union for particularly over-paid actors.
Hedge fund:Northern Bank notes hidden in a hedge.
Purple Wednesday:An outburst of profanity due to a midweek market correction.
Fungible security:The comforting thought that if it all goes horribly wrong you can always get a job on a mushroom farm.
High street current account:No . . . that really is just taking the piss.