Some things they could do to make the World Cup a better place:

English fans should have to attend interviews and aptitude tests before being allowed to apply for tickets. Applicants should be asked what they feel they would bring to the special ambience of the World Cup. Each applicant should be asked to sing the fans' current favourite ditty Vindaloo. Those who can, should hear the words "Next, Please," enunciated in a loud clear voice. The process should be televised and sold as a game show in other markets.

The franchise for supporting the Germans should be given to the Scottish. Failing that the franchise for representing Scotland on the pitch should be given to the Germans. On no account should German fans or Scottish teams be given franchises. Kilts should be given the red card.

German journalists should be banned from the event altogether. Perhaps it is just a racist slur to say that the German's habitually grab the best places on beaches all over the world every morning. However, now that they have begun annexing the four Internet machines in every press centre every morning, the full weight of the law must be brought against them.

Something has to be done about Bryan Robson. Bryan Robson lacks the expert analysis chromosome and unless a donor can be found he should be put to sleep. If it's not too late already.

By the way, is there is no Volume Off switch on Archie McPherson. Eurosport should be banned from competition until these problems are solved.

Special incentives should be given to foreign fans who refuse to join in the singing of Sur Le Pont D'Avignon every time the train pulls in at Avignon. The station master's smile is wearing perilously thin.

The first round should have more flexibility built in. FIFA could learn a thing or two from the Eurovision. Why not institute phonein voting to decide on two of the places in the second round. Imagine if Morocco were depending on a televised phone poll hosted this Friday by say an internationally respected media personality from a neutral country (Maxi???). How glamorous. If the voting went well, Norway could in fact be eliminated from the second round by popular demand.

Any manager whose team loses by a margin of more than two goals should be sacked. Saudi Arabia have shown the way in this regard and we have no hesitation in saying that if they had sacked their manager even earlier they may have won the World Cup. Could some form of hari kiri be introduced?

Copyright fees and royalties should be waived in the case of those Irish journalists who recite lines from Monty Python's Four Yorkshiremen sketch when speaking about the previous night's accommodation.

"Hole in the road? That were luxury that were. We stayed under a rock."

"Ooh. You were lucky, we'd 'ave killed for a handful of hot gravel for breakfast down our place."

The two elderly Irish journalists who "unwittingly" dined in a gay bar in Paris every night for the first two weeks of the World Cup should be encouraged to give a full and frank interview to Claire McKeown. Their candour might help many soccer reporters who worry about their own orientation. Many of their readers have experienced confused feelings and could be helped, too.

Chelsea players should not be permitted high profile roles in determining the outcome of every single group. Petrescu's goal, Le Saux's failure and Flo's dive are more than enough. Let Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink have a turn.

Jose Luis Chilavert of Paraguay has shown the way forward with respect to a vigourous redrafting of the rules of the game. Teams should meet in the middle of the field before the game and decide whether they want goalies to play stick, fly or for the goalkeeping duties to be rostered on a last man back basis. A FIFA official could then hold up one of those little neon lit boards they are so fond of.

"Oooooh, sensational start here in Lyon," says Archie, "the Germans have opted for a fly 'keeper. That is a shocking development right before the start of this gloriously memorable game. What do you make of that tactical gambit, Bryan Robson, once of England."

"Yes Archie."

The French are a gracious people and have provided us with a memorable World Cup, so would it be churlish to ask if French pop music could be banned from venues. We are not irresponsibly advocating The Fields of Athenry here. We just need to strike a balance.

Again no wish to insult the magnificent host nation, but visiting dignitaries who work for foreign newspapers should not have to take two days off to travel to an office in Paris, there to submit DNA samples, fingerprint tests and Inter Cert results before filling out 17 forms and a petitioning letter to the World Bank before cashing a 500 Franc traveller's cheque.

There needs to be a proper accreditation system for journalists covering riots. The whole organisation of the riot section of the World Cup has been a shambles. Riots have not gone off at certain times which were indicated in the provisional schedules circulated to journalists. Also news hacks with no accreditation to the World Cup at all have been turning up willy nilly at riot scenes at the same time as good sports journalists, cowering under tables in press centres, have been ringing their offices to say there is no news. This has to stop.

World Cup accreditation should get a journalist access to all riots, enabling use of media shuttle buses to and from riot scenes and allowing entry to a special media viewing area with full catering facilities during riots. A scoreboard should carry news of injuries, arrests, damage costs etc. It is important to take the danger and the guesswork out of these things now before sponsors lose interest.

If fans are to be banned from holding up banners which make political statements the quid pro quo should be that politicians are banned from passing comment on football. Dublin fans currently in France should be allowed settle in exile in Paris until it is no longer shameful for them to return to their own land.