IF you ever bump into Plymouth Argyle chairman Dan McCauley, tell him a few jokes, sing him a song, anything - just try to cheer him up a bit. Dan, you see, has a lot on his plate at the moment.

Actually, he almost had an awful lot of steak on his plate last Friday night after running down two cows on his way to Plymouth's televised FA Cup match. But flattened cows are the least of Dan's worries.

Where do you start? His goalkeeper, Bruce Grobbelaar, is awaiting a court appearance on match-fixing charges his star midfielder, Ronnie Mauge, is on bail for kidnap and firearm offences his manager hates him the Plymouth fans don't like him much either he's ploughed a pile of money into the club and the team lie fifth from bottom of the second division. And then there was the cow problem.

We heard this sad tale on Sky Sports last Friday in the build-up to the Devon derby between Plymouth, who were at home, and Exeter City in the second round of the Cup. Sky reporter George Gavin spoke to the troubled Dan before the match and tried to get him to talk about his problems.

First off, what did he have to say about Plymouth manager Neil Warnock's statement earlier in the week that the club was in crisis? Dan removed his gloves and gave us his side of the story. "I don't understand why he said that - perhaps he's in crisis. If he's talking about a lack of money, well I do have other businesses that need financing. We did buy something like 15 players at the start of last season - you should invest your money, not squander it," he said in a lovely tribute to his players and manager.

What about the cows? "I took a shortcut over the Moors tonight, through the fog, and I hit two cows, you know, the animal ones, coming out of Princetown. So I had a hairy trip really. But they're okay and I'm okay," said a relieved Dan. (The "animal ones"? What did he mean?)

At the completion of his counselling session Dan took up his seat in the stand, to the sound of boos from the crowd (cow lovers, obviously), in time for the great Devon derby. Except the match was delayed for 15 minutes on the orders of Supt Liam McGrath of the Devon and Cornwall police (and you don't argue with them).

"There have been a number of minor accidents on the A38 resulting in a five-mile traffic queue between Ashburton and Chuttley," he told George Gavin. "The Exeter fans are caught up in the traffic and are sadly under-represented in the ground at the moment, so it is clearly in the interests of the game that we wait for them," said the Supe. (Sky studio guest Russell Osman didn't believe the traffic congestion line at all. "They're probably still cleaning away those cows that Dan McCauley ran over, he said).

But 15 minutes later the Exeter fans arrived on their moped and the game was on. "He's going down, he's going down, he's going, Mauge is going down," chanted cruel Alfred and Mabel, the Exeter fans, at the Plymouth ace as soon as they took their seats.

Ronnie had the last laugh though. Plymouth were already a goal ups when he soared swallow-like to head home their second. "The Exeter defence gave him too much freedom there," said commentator Martin Brackley of the man on bail. It has to be said there was a hint of offside about the goal, but hey, would you disallow a goal by a man charged with kidnap and firearm offences? No, neither did the linesman.

"He's had a lot on his plate, but this is what he's paid for. He should stick to football," said Ronnie's boss, Neil "guilty till proven innocent" Warnock. But while Neil may have doubts about the innocence of his midfielder, he knows him better than most. Why? Well, the condition set for Ronnie's bail was that he go to live with his manager .. . which probably delighted Mrs Warnock.

Anyway, Plymouth won 4-1 which, we hope, cheered Dan, Ronnie and Neil (and Mrs Warnock) up a little.

James Hague is another man who could do with a bit of cheering up after the trustees of the National Portrait Gallery in London ruled that Eric Cantona wasn't a "grand enough figure" for him to paint as part of his prize for winning the Portrait of the Year award.

Last Tuesday, BBC 2's Newsnight, looked in to the controversy and examined the criteria set by the trustees for the right to have your mug hung on their hallowed walls namely, that the subject must be the type of person who will be remembered in 50 years. Their decision that Eric will be long forgotten by then has so outraged Labour MP and footie fan Tony Banks that he gas put down a House of Commons motion demanding Dieu's inclusion in the gallery.

Gallery director Charles Saumarez-Smith (well, you didn't think he'd be called Archie Duckworth, did you?) attempted to defend the decision by showing the Newsnight reporter the class of people whose piccies have, passed the 50-year test. "You have to remember the Portrait Gallery was set up in 1856 in order to collect people who were and were expected to remain as famous individuals.

"So behind you you have Mountbatten and Churchill. Everybody knows, well I assume everybody 05 (guffaw, guffaw), Mountbatten and Churchill," said Chas.

Unfortunately for him, the Newsnight camera zoomed in to reveal that "Mountbatten" was in fact Montgomery, leaving Chas truly mortified. "Yes, I made a terrible error, okay," he said, laughing nervously, blushing furiously and hoping the ground would open up and devour him.

Jeremy Paxman had a wicked grin on his mug when we returned to the studio to hear his discussion on the controversy with art critic Gavin Stamp. "It's pretty antediluvian, isn't it, to be biased against someone like Cantona," asked Jeremy. "I don't see why. He's a footballer, he's a thug, he's French. What's he got to do with the National Portrait Gallery," replied Stampo.

"I very much doubt he'll be remembered in 50 years' time. I don't think football has any reasonable shelf life and I don't think it's an edifying pursuit. But, above all, it really has nothing to do with Britain. I do get fed up with the idea that we, have to define ourselves in terms of football. There are other things that matter," he said. (Okay, name one Stampo).

"Does the name Wally Hapgood mean anything to you," asked a slightly exasperated Jeremy. "Absolutely nothing," replied Stampo. "Apparently he played for Arsenal and he's immortalised in the gallery - he's a footballer you see."

"Well, they've chosen one, one's enough."

"Well, I think we'll leave it there," said Jeremy who, perhaps uniquely, was left speechless.