A soccer miscellany compiled by MARY HANNIGAN

Sorry state: Bendtner acts the prima donna in pizzeria

AFTER the fortnight he’s had Nicklas Bendtner is beginning to make Mario Balotelli’s life seem a little uneventful. The Danish striker even felt compelled to issue a lengthy apology to Sunderland supporters, promising to “do all I can do in order to honour the trust that you . . . show me every single day”.

This was the gist: “Dear friends, fans, Sunderland and family. The past couple of weeks have seen me involved in several incidents that have attracted much negative attention from the media.

“After the friendly international versus Finland, I was part of an unfortunate incident at the team hotel where I more or less was portrayed as a violent character . . . I was part of an incident at a pizzeria in downtown Copenhagen where my credit card got rejected. I bet you all know the feeling but in this case it was also described in the media.

“The latest incident involves two of my team-mates and me who were picked up by polite and friendly English policemen this morning as CCTV footage allegedly shows us in the process of damaging parked cars after a wet night out on the town.”

Pizza-gate was the pick of his troubles. Bendtner wandered in to a pizzeria in Copenhagen only to be told his credit card had malfunctioned. Take it away, Ekstra Bladet (the Danish newspaper): “When he could not pay,” said a member of staff, “he demanded to get free pizza and said: ‘Do you not know who I am? I can buy the whole pizzeria’. We told him it did not matter who he was. If he could not pay, there was no pizza.”

Party pooper: Redknapp rules

HARRY REDKNAPP was accused of being a bit of a misery guts when he banned his Spurs players from having a Christmas party this year, but he was unrepentant, noting that “if they can’t miss having a drink with the money they are earning there is something wrong with them.

“I don’t want them going out having Christmas parties. What chance have you got? The press will be waiting, someone will be taking pictures of them. Somebody can just have their eyes closed and it looks like they are boozed. You don’t need it.”

Mind you, after his strikers drew a blank at home to Swansea on Saturday, possibly because they had their eyes closed, Alan Pardew might have regretted not doing a Harry – especially if he spotted this tweety report on his players’ Christmas do from young Sammy Ameobi, a substitute in the game.

Not such a smash hit: Keys and Gray  still struggling to shed their old image

AS the Guardian's"Lost in Showbiz" column reminded us last week, when Sky Sports presenter Richard Keys resigned from his job back in January after video emerged of himself and Andy Gray being less than, well, gentlemanly – Keys filmed asking Jamie Redknapp of a former girlfriend of his, "did you smash it?" – he conceded he "and Andy had failed to change while everything had changed around us".

Eleven months on? Have they changed like everything around them? Well . . .

The Guardian got hold of a promotional leaflet last week for the duo’s upcoming QA type-tour, the title of which is, eh, “Smash It!”.

The leaflet promises “a no nonsense, raucous evening of anecdotes”, guaranteeing that Keys and Gray “will end your evening with a smash!”

You know, it makes Roy Chubby Brown sound like Germaine Greer.

And then there’s this recommendation from Britannia Construction, a construction and engineering contractor in Cheltenham: “There is just no one better in the business, just like the old days, quality banter with football expertise – a night to remember”.

“Lost in Showbiz” was intrigued, so rang the pair’s manager to discuss booking them. How much do they cost? “They’ll come out for £9,000 (€10,700),” the manager replied, “but they’re not VAT registered so there isn’t VAT on top. (Ooops.) They have done mostly male environments, but they do adapt to whatever the event is,” she promised.

Adaptable they might be, but all you can hope is that things go better for the duo than last time. According to “Lost in Showbiz” their dates in Southend, Kent, Clacton, and “in any number of other venues”, were cancelled due to poor ticket sales. All of which probably left them smashed, so to speak.

Fighting talk: from Becali

DAVID Hills’ regular updates at the Observer on the life and times of Steaua Bucharest owner Gigi Becali are the stuff of any soap opera scriptwriter’s dreams, although Fair City might possibly baulk at featuring some of the more lurid story lines.

Becali’s latest spat? Well, he accused rival club CFR Cluj of buying referees. Their owner, Arpad Paszkany, wasn’t, it has to be said, best pleased.

Paszkany: “Total coward. He hides behind a microphone. Let’s solve this like men, in a ring, with fists and feet, no rules. The ratings would be immense. I would take Becali. We’d see what a man he is.”

Becali’s response on TV: “You want in the ring? Let’s get in the ring, bitch. I’ll break your arms and legs. Let’s take guns too. Let us shoot with guns.”

And you thought it was only a game?

Hope and pray: But besting Barca remains out of reach

IT WASN’T the worst of weeks for Barcelona, following up their 3-1 win away to Real Madrid by reaching yesterday’s World Club final by beating Qatars Al Sadd in the semi-finals. Al Aadd’s Uruguayan coach Jorge Fossati had asked Fifa for a little assistance ahead of the game – “If they agree to my request and we are allowed 15 or 16 players on the field, I think we have a chance!” – but sadly he was turned down and they lost 4-0.

So, what chance did Santos wunderkid Neymar (right) think the Brazilians had against the European champions in the final? “You just have to pray, ask for God’s help and give it your best shot,” he said.

God, alas, turned a deaf ear, Santos mullered 4-0. “My players were like artists,” swooned Pep Guardiola, who has now won 13 out of a possible 16 titles since becoming manager. A reasonable return, it has to be said.

A taxing occasion: But pragmatic Harry unfazed by tuneful baiting of Rovers' fans

"Real Madrid came out the traps like a thoroughbred racehorse."– Sky's Rob Hawthorne. Must have been big traps.

"I have spent enough time in Ireland to know what lovely people they are . . . but they get together and shout a load of nonsense and that is football. That's life. I don't hold any grudges."– No hard feelings from Harry Redknapp (right) after some Shamrock Rovers supporters made, well, tuneful references to his forthcoming tax trial.

"You're going down with the Euro." – The response of the Spurs' fans. You have to say: touche.

"People ask me whether I listen to what the fans are saying, or do I listen to the phone-ins? No, I don't. What would I rather listen to? I'd rather listen to my missus' nagging voice, to be honest. She's great. We've been together two and a half years, but if she reads this, that might be it."– Newcastle's James Perch speaking just before being served with divorce papers.

"Two weeks after Robin was born, she told me he was a special boy – what she called a Ferrari kind of guy – and that he would play for Holland. I believed in that."– Bob van Persie on seeing a psychic soon after his son Robin was born. Mind you, she probably says that to all the dads.

"We've won 10 out of 11 – and you can't do any better than that."– Harry Redknapp? You can.

"He will look at that when his wife has made him a bacon butty and say **** me, what have I done there?"– Harry again, this time having a go at linesman Bob Pollock.

"I am bound by the fact Jermaine is not an Aston Villa player to reveal any news about him. We have left it in the hands of Tottenham as they are the parent club. They will probably make a statement later on. I think Jermaine has ruptured his Achilles and that will take some time to sort out. It's for Tottenham to say what will happen." – Alex McLeish redefines "bound by", entirely.