A soccer miscellany compiled by MARY HANNIGAN

Don't forget us: Bangura's 'bon voyage' from Celtic

Since joining Celtic from AIK last year things haven't worked out too well for Mohamed Bangura, so much so he's returned to the Swedish club on loan until December.

His Celtic teammates, though, were determined to bid him a rather unique "bon voyage", and it's probably fair to say he won't forget it in quite a while. Yes, they covered his car in Post-it notes.

All the news that fits: Messi the friendly ghost and other 'Dirty Tackle' fictions

YAHOO’S DIRTY Tackle blog has a rather fabulous “Future News” section which features, well, “news” that’s embellished just a bit, and sometimes entirely made up for the laugh of it.

Last year, for example, they “quoted” Lionel Messi’s response to a question about the chances of him ever playing for Real Madrid: “When I eventually pass on, I will only play ghost football at Barcelona. I am happy there. No amount of spirit money will tempt me. Real can offer whatever they want, but I will not go. My ghost will play for Barcelona forever. Maybe it will fly around in the clouds for fun sometimes, but it will never scare people and it will never play for another club.”

Alas, ESPN reported the quotes as real, much to the amusement of the Dirty Tackle crew. They were at it again last week when they “quoted” Liverpool manager Brendan Rogers saying Stewart Downing was “good with numbers” so would better serve the club “as an accountant than someone who goes anywhere near the pitch”.

Andy Carroll? “I see him serving as a coat rack in one of the hospitality suites.”

Charlie Adam? “He may have a future as a bean bag chair. I had a chat with him on the role and he’s excited about it.”

Again, after the “quotes” spread, more than a few were taken in, although one Liverpool fan of our acquaintance said he’d have been happy enough if they were true.

It called to mind that Onion story – “A study released by the California Parenting Institute Tuesday shows that every style of parenting inevitably causes children to grow into profoundly unhappy adults” – that resulted in the actual Institute being “deluged with emails and phone calls from concerned parents”.

You've got to hand it to him: Maradona back in the cash

He's back!

Just two months after being sacked by United Arab Emirates club Al Wasl a year into his two-year contract, Diego Maradona is in business again, this time as Dubai Honorary Ambassador of Sports.

Better still, the Dubai Sports Council has taken over his Al Wasl contract.

This should bring to an end his dispute with the club over the matter: so he'll be able to pay his bills now (or some of them).

"For those who think that I have fallen down or I have collapsed, I'm stronger now," he told a press conference in Dubai.

Maradona's bank account certainly is: he'll be earning €175,000 a month again.

Hair-raising Nicollin: More than words when it comes to throwing around insults   

It would be accurate to say that Louis Nicollin, chairman of Montpellier, is a colourful character – literally so since he dyed his hair blue and orange to celebrate last season's league success.

But he can, at times, be a touch impolite when talking about those with whom he fails to see eye to eye, and that often seems like just about every resident of planet Earth.

He's not overly fond of Paris Saint-Germain, for example, especially since they became so monied, and was a little rude when they appointed Carlo Ancelotti as manager, reckoning he'd just buy a bunch of Italian and English players: "I laugh at them. He will buy the ones he remembers from his days with the wops and the corned-beef eaters. PSG are subnormal."

He defended himself, though, earlier this year, insisting others were just as rude, just more elegantly so. "People say worse than I do, just with prettier words," he said.

"So where I might say: 'I p**s in the a**e cracks of my critics,' the Toulon owner talks of being 'sodomised by referees'. That is, I suppose, more elegant. You see, if I want, I can speak like the toffs."

He didn't quite speak like a toff, though, back in July when he attacked AC Milan vice president Adriano Galliani – who happens to be bald – when he claimed the club had bid for Montpellier defender Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa: "Kojak never called me. This makes me laugh . . . he should go play in movies and not hassle us."

His latest target? Well, his own players, after a less than impressive start to the season by the team. "Things look bleak," he admitted. And, according to yesterday's Observer: "I'm disappointed. You can always turn round a bad start if you have smart players, but three-quarters of mine are morons, so that won't work."

His only consolation? "When I saw PSG draw 0-0 with Bordeaux, it was comforting. I said to myself, 'they're as stupid as we are'."

From dogs to warriors: What a difference a match makes

"We have to put this game as one of the best in the club's history. In the first half, it looked like Stoke City against Barcelona . . . all I can say is thanks to the players. About a year ago I called them my chihuahuas, but now they are warriors."

– Swindon manager Paolo Di Canio highly chuffed after his side beat Stoke in the League Cup.

"I had a good offer from Qatar, which I would like, but I'd love to be at the World Cup with Italy and that means playing in a real League."

– After that remark, Inter Milan's Antonio Cassano might struggle to get another offer from Qatar.

"Some people are lucky. I have had nights out with the jockey Mick Kinane, we've had three bottles of wine and he's still the same weight, not an ounce on him. Unbelievable."

– Alex Ferguson on flab-fighting.

"Been forced to go back training with the kids and fellow Taliban members at 2pm today."

– So tweeted Joey Barton, before his move to Marseille. QPR, you'd imagine, didn't shed too many tears when he departed.

"I am very critical of the FA. Every time I have some bother, they call me, I go, sit down and see a chap who is 100 years old, wears a suit and has never played football in his life. And he is the one who tells me, 'Mr Barton, it is bad to do that'. What do you know about it, if you have never ever been to the stadium?"

– Barton again. He's missing England already, you can tell.

"Of course I'm not Superman or Messi or Ronaldo. I think I can help the club, though."

– Rafael van der Vaart on his return to Hamburg.

What's my number: Owen is waiting by the telephone

Cruellest photo of the week? That'd be Talksport's "exclusive photo of Michael Owen's phone on Transfer Deadline Day".

But apparently he's talking to Sunderland and Stoke, so it looks like his phone is finally seeing some action.