A World Cup miscellany compiled by Mary Hannigan

"I am 50 in October and this is the toughest day of my life. This is like a kick in the face. This was a punch from Muhammad Ali. I have no more energy for anything.– Diego Maradona, floored by the Germans.

Hold The Front Page

IF THE Berliner Kurierhas its way come the 2034 World Cup finals every member of the German team will have the same first name. "Call your sons Jogi", it urged parents-to-be, in honour of coach Joachim Loew who, they said, had delivered the nation "the sweetest win of all time".

"Schland Ole!" said their front page, taking the Deut out of Deutschland, while Bildopted for the God-like "Schland Gottes!".

Yes, you are our heroes. Yes, we'll never forget you. Yes, we're in the semi-finals and we're playing the most beautiful football in the whole world," they said. If Germany win the World Cup this lot will spontaneously combust.

Even Dutch newspaper De Volkskranthad to doff its cap, "The Germans chop up Argentina in the frying pan" its headline. And Diego Maradona could well be fried too if the response of his press is anything to go by, Oleand Clarinnoting he simply had no answer to an "intelligent rival". "A blow to the heart" (Golpe al Corazon) said El Territorio'sfront page over a photo of a fan who could no longer bear to look.

The Spanish press was also averting its eyes for much of its game against Paraguay, but, in the end, it was "Blood, Sweat and Victory", as AS's front page put it. "Spain has finally learned how to win ugly matches," they said, while Marcadeclared "the end of the curse" – ie Spain's failure to reach a World Cup semi-final. "A lifetime dreaming of a day like this," said its front page, before turning its attention to Rafa Nadal. But are the Sporting Spanish happy?


No love lost: Brazilians cheered by Argentina's exit

AFTER BEING knocked out of the World Cup on Friday the crestfallen people of Brazil were in desperate need of a pick-me-up and, it would seem, Argentina's humbling by Germany did the trick. Rather nicely.

According to Yahoo Sports the headline on the website of Brazilian newspaper Globo Esporte immediately after the 4-0 hammering was:

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Meanwhile on Twitter, the mood of former Brazilian international Rivaldo improved no end with every passing German score:

Golllllllllllll! Adios Argentina! I am overjoyed! Come on Germany, you have time for one more, we want a rout!" Come full-time he announced that he was going to eat "something typically German" as a tribute to their performance.

Also dining on sauerkraut and bratwurst, by the sounds of it, was Celico Carol, wife of Kaka, who found her spirits lifted by Argentina's woes. "Are you happy now that Argentina lost? This is a new day. Weeping may endure for a night . . . but joy comes in the morning! I love it! Altogether now: "Neighbours, should be there for one another, that's when good neighbours become gooooood friends."


Blame game: Melo quick to point to team-mates

AFTER HIS own goal and sending off against the Dutch you had to worry that Brazil's Felipe Melo would drown in a sea of contrition, having begged for forgiveness from a fairly unforgiving football public.

Well . . . "There's no way I'm the villain of the 2010 World Cup," he said on his return home. "It was a collective mistake. When I was sent off, it was already 2-1."

But what about the stamp on Arjen Robben? "It's different to be sent-off for punching or spitting at someone than for a normal challenge. I think the referee was too harsh. It's tough to call home and hear your son crying. If I meant to hurt Robben he would have left the pitch. I have enough strength to break his leg."

No regrets, then. Could it be only three weeks since he said: "I know that sometimes I go over the top and I know it's something that all Brazilians are worried about. My father is always on my case about this. But I've really prepared for this World Cup, I know that I can't afford to get sent off and leave Brazil with a man short." Oh dear.


Statistics: Just don't add up

THE CASTROL Index is, apparently, "an innovative system which uses the latest technology to objectively analyse and rank player performances and which is being used at the Fifa World Cup for the first time".

Hmm, interesting. So, before the quarter-finals who was the World Cup's leading player? Eh, Spanish defender Joan Capdevila. Second? Sergio Ramos, the same fella Eamon Dunphy said "shouldn't be allowed on a football pitch, either end of it; he's a nightmare".

Sixth-best player and number one midfielder? Steven Gerrard. Languishing in 22nd place? David Villa. In 34th? Wesley Sneijder. 51st? Bastian Schweinsteiger. Was someone well-oiled when these rankings were created?


Pieces of hate: News of the World lay into jolly rogerer Terry and sheissen on Rooney

WHEN WE spotted a photo of a seemingly battered and bruised John Terry on the News of the World's website yesterday we feared he'd had a run-in with an irate England fan. Happily, though, he'd only had a bit of make-up applied at Disney World in Florida to make him look like something out of Pirates of the Caribbean, or "the jolly rogerer" as the paper put it.

"What shall we do with the sunken failure, what shall we do with the sunken failure," they wrote, noting the holiday with his wife and children appeared to have taken his mind off "his Mickey Mouse England team".

The paper also had a world exclusive pic of a holidaying Wayne Rooney with suncream on his forehead which, they said, made him look like "he'd been scheissen on from a great height – this time by a giant bird, not the Germans".

Elsewhere in the paper they reported Rooney had been scheissened on by 32 per cent of the NOTW's readers, the number who reckoned he was the player most responsible for England's World Cup failure – some distance ahead of "the next worst", Long John Terry (three per cent).

Polls, though, can be funny things. It was only at the weekend Reuters reported the findings of a survey by Russias Levada Centre in which eight per cent of those polled said they believed Russia would win the World Cup. Two per cent disagreed – they went for Turkey.