A soccer miscellany

Balotelli breaks in: Mario pops in to women's prison

HE might only be 20 but they probably have enough material already to make a movie about Mario Balotelli’s life, Manchester City’s (currently injured) former Inter Milan striker rarely experiencing a dull moment, especially off the field.

In the past 10 days alone he’s been in trouble twice, the second time when he gave the finger to the crowd during his return to the San Siro for Inter’s game against Juventus. No one, though, was too sure which set of fans he was greeting, his relationship with both is equally, well, frosty.

His escapade last week with his brother, though, will remain hard to beat, the pair spotted driving through the gates of a women’s prison.

“He said they saw the gate opened and never imagined they would need a special permit to visit the prison,” said the guard who halted Balotelli in his tracks. “The two were particularly intrigued by the fact it was a women’s prison.” “Mario has done nothing wrong,” insisted his agent, Mino Raiola.

“Indeed, the officers have praised him for his initiative.

“Well, true enough, you have to be fairly resourceful to break in to a prison.

Moving on: Holloway brings kids and chickens with him

IT can't be easy for the families of managers and players who switch clubs every couple of years, having to uproot just as they were getting settled. It was good, though, to read last week Liam Lawrence was sensitive to his fiancé's feelings when he was offered a transfer from Stoke to Portsmouth last month, Rebecca reluctant to move so far away from her family? What did he tell her? She could "like it or lump it".

Mind you, few have it tougher than Kim Holloway, wife of Blackpool manager Ian. Not only had she to move 220 miles from Bath to Lancashire when he got the job, she had to transport four children and 47 animals. Her husband's collection, according to the Sunday People, includes "two Indian Runner ducks, three horses, seven turkeys, a Parson Jack Russell terrier called Milo, a poodle named Teddy and 33 chickens".

All's that missing is a partridge in a pear tree. "I started with the two ducks but I am an impulsive person," he explained. Kim? You should really tell him to lump it.

Rating: O'Shea is top of flops

PREDICTABLY enough, the ratings awarded on sundry websites to most of the Republic of Ireland players after Friday’s game were on the lowish side; Paul Green, Glenn Whelan and Kevin Kilbane the bottom three on Sky Sports’ site.

Green fared worst of all with a scanty 3.5 out of 10, but he was beaten to the ‘Flop of the Match’ gong on Goal.com by John O’Shea.

The only consolation you can offer these fellas is that they’re not Christian Poulsen, the Danish captain attracting the ire of newspaper Ekstra Bladet after the 3-1 defeat by Portugal.

His rating? Zero.

“Change sport,” they advised. Aw.

Wrong move: Robben meets a Cocker and makes one

TWO years ago Nicole Kidman got in to a heap of trouble for attempting to play a didgeridoo on German chat show Wetten Das?, the actress possibly unaware that it is forbidden in Aboriginal custom for women to play the instrument.

“It bastardises our culture,” complained a man called Allen Madden.

“I will guarantee she has no more children. It’s not meant to be played by women as it will make them barren.”

Well, you have to worry that if Dutch football fans get hold of Arjen Robben any day soon the fella won’t be having any more children either.

Robben, appearing alongside singers Katy Perry and Joe Cocker on the German show, agreed to put on, of all things, a German shirt. Uh oh.

Jerez Orchard: Lynch hoping Hoddle link-up will bear fruit

WHEN he left Limerick for West Bromwich Albion in 2008 it’s unlikely Lee J Lynch imagined himself in the Spanish league just two years later, but thanks to Glenn Hoddle, that’s where the 18-year-old is now playing his football.

After being released by West Brom last summer, Lynch, an Irish youth international and nephew of Tommy (who managed Limerick FC and Waterford United after a playing career in England), was offered a two-year contract with Cypriot side Doxa, but instead accepted an invitation from Hoddle to join his academy in Jerez.

Meanwhile, the local club, third division Jerez Industrial, was about to fold, so Hoddle offered to provide them with a 22-man squad, free. The pay-off will come if any bigger clubs make bids for the players. Only two of the squad are Spanish, the rest, like Lynch, players released by English clubs and looking for a second chance.

So far so good, after beating Seville’s C team 2-0 on Saturday, Lynch playing the last half-hour, they are up to second in the league. One to watch.

Making plans for Nigel: Opinion divided on De Jong's controversial tackle

“IT’S VERY unfortunate that Nigel has broken an opponent’s leg twice within only six months, but I know that he’s a sweet guy. He never has the intention to hurt his opponent . . . but maybe he should occasionally go into a tackle slightly differently.”

– Mark van Bommel on Nigel de Jong. It’s the way he tells ‘em.

“He needs to see a mental doctor.”

– Sparta Rotterdam coach Jan Everse with some alternative advice for de Jong.

“He is a criminal who needs to be dragged out of football.”

– Dutch television pundit Hugo Borst, meanwhile, just wants to see the fella behind bars.

“Carlos Tevez’s English should be better than what it is.”

– Former England manager Graham Taylor, as quoted by the Daily Mirror.

“I wanted to say to Tom Hicks . . . imagine if your family – which is what Liverpool football club is to most people . . . – it’s like you’re raping all of them at once, over a long period of time and getting away with it.”

– Echo and the Bunnymen singer Ian McCulloch’s delightful analogy in that Liverpool protest video doing the rounds.

“If it happens there will be real problems that could easily lead to civil unrest. I think there could be riots, such is the ill feeling between West Ham and Spurs.”

– West Ham chairman David Sullivan calmly responding to reports that Spurs will be rival bidders for the lease on London’s Olympic stadium.

United: Vote of confidence

September 30th

“We can’t turn things upside down now, for God’s sakes! We can’t turn around now and say Paulo needs to go! Now is the time for us to show how united we are behind our manager and give him a chance to get the results.”

– Leicester City chairman Milan Mandaric giving manager Paulo Sousa a stirring vote of confidence.

October 1st

Sousa sacked as manager of Leicester.

“Of course, when you have a manager you give him support until the very last minute while he is here . . . but I didn’t feel we were making progress on the field,” “explained” Mandaric.